Category Archives: i forgot about me

So it’s my birthday

Posted by adrian's mom in i forgot about me and tagged with , , ,

I haven’t always been a fan of birthdays, at one point I hadn’t celebrated my belly button birthday with people over a three year period. The day would come and go, and I would do nothing special, just another day! Then something happened. I wish I could explain it, or give it away to those who don’t like their birthday, because now I LOVE My birthday. I’m not thrilled with the lines that are appearing on my face or the extra weight that I can’t seem to shed after the birth of my son… NO, no, no. What I am thrilled about is experience, the true life experiences that I have managed to survive, indulge in, or sit through with my faithful friend, Hagen Daz! Crazy. I reminiscence of this year, and what I offered it, and what was given to me:

  • I showed up and sat in on practically every nap my son took, rocking him to sleep = he is now so calm and confident with himself I love it!
  • I responded to emails from people, I never though that I would speak to again = budding relationships that are meaningful.
  • I waked away from a friendship that wasn’t working = found awesome, amazing friend that I can’t imagine not knowing!
  • I said I was sorry = acceptance and camaraderie from fellow friend.
  • I prepared almost every meal for my son from organic food = healthy striving son who enjoys all types of food.
  • I snuggled up to my husband even in my moments of self delusion = the most wonderful and loving husband.

Just a snapshot.  I am one of the lucky ones, and I hope to never take advantage of this or forget how this all happened…

until next time.

it's a matter of faith

Posted by adrian's mom in i forgot about me and tagged with , , , ,

quiet

I have been living with horrible insomnia now for about three months… some nights are manageable with four  hours of uninterrupted sleep which makes the following day livable, like today.  I woke up and as always prayed, yes I pray.  I don’t really think about it as GOD thing, or in relation to a church or specific religion, it is for me, just about stopping and asking, admitting that I need help with my life.  So I prayed this morning to be able to be a person who could withstand the day and what it had to bring; today it brought the desire to work out, to sweat!  I went to the GYM!  Oh my god!  I had forgotten what it’s like to sweat, what it’s like to workout!  Since having my son I have hardly had one moment to workout; before he was born I did all the prenatal exercises I could, I was WAY into being ready for birth.  Now, there is no time and I figure that I am constantly chasing him, so do I really need to work out?  THE ANSWER… YES.  Today it was quite clear that I have an itch to scratch… called exercise.  TO SWEAT, to get in the ZONE, so to speak.  Yeah… I have prayed for this day to return, and here it is, today!  I am feeling connected to myself again!

I met a friend after working out and she asked me how I was doing on my four hours of sleep…  and really all I had to say was, great.

I am not quit sure if working out has anything to do with my prayer, or the fact that today was our last day of nursing, or maybe it’s just once again the timing of my life, not coincidental at all.  I use to think if I just think about this long enough, and if I just do this, and I just ask for that… then it will all happen just like I think it should… well here I am years later finding that it’s about my faith–my faith to see what is around the next bend, over the next hill, or under the last rock.  (Lately it seems that I have been picking up a lot of rocks!)  I am incredibly excited to be coming home to myself again, and to have a deeper connection with my son, without my boobie in his mouth…

Until next time

Other Mommies. Manners?

Posted by adrian's mom in i forgot about me and tagged with , ,

"please"

Yesterday at the sandbox, I was struck with the lack of manners that are instilled with people these days.

I know that we are all busy, I know that we all think that we are important, I know that our sons and daughters are just learning… BUT really MOMMY do you have to be so rude?

A simple please, thank you, you’re welcome, is it so challenging to engage with another for a moment?

I find myself holding the door for others all the time, I make it a point to meet someones eyes and say thank you, I also say you are welcome when someone finally says thank you; I actually say you are welcome when someone misses the opportunity to say thank you as well… I’ve had it.  I just don’t understand what has happened to our society, it doesn’t make sense to me.  I don’t think I was raised in any different of a household than most, I never took etiquette classes, I was just taught plain manners, I was taught to mind my P’s and Q’s…  hmmm.  What is happening?

So, I hope that other mommies are practicing, that they instill manners and thank you’s…  I hope that we move toward a better, more mindful population otherwise we are in for a very rude awakening…

unit next time.

A Mother's List

Posted by adrian's mom in i forgot about me, Uncategorized and tagged with , , , , ,

I am not sure what I want to write about, as there is much that floats between my ears, and thoughts today!

Being a mom has left me with little time, which I cannot stand to complain about but it is the one thing that I can never find.  I never have enough time.  AND time is something, or nothing that you or me or anyone can get back… or create more of… If I could create more time I would be a millionaire, as every mom would want the inside secret, the scoop, the equation, the potion, and I’m quite sure that they would pay whatever dollar amount was on the label.  Hmmm, maybe I should begin this creation.

Organizing my time is the first step that I take in trying to manipulate time… the second step is accepting that I will not be able to DO everything that I try to put on some list… I can only slowly work  towards the completion of each and every task or feat, or discovery in which I am attempting!  WOW, heavy.

List?  Do they really work?  They work for me.  Honestly if I begin to write down task, events, ideas or projects that I want to work on or complete, at some point in my life, they will get done!  Weird but TRUE!  My lists have varied over the years, and most recently have become almost ridiculous… as with the first item on the list recently was, brush teeth!  I am  not quite sure why the list thing works for me, or why I’m inspired to do this… I just DO it.

I have a lot of dreams, a lot of ideas, projects albeit maybe some are lofty and way out of my range, but for the most part even the lofty ideas that yesterday held have been accomplished.

  • I wanted to write a book.  I did it.  I wrote, troubles of being a girl.
  • I had a dream to live abroad.  I did.  I lived in South East Asia for 7 months.
  • I wanted to take a year off and do nothing.  I did it.  I moved to Colorado and played.
  • I had an idea to create everyday models out of kids who wanted to BE superstars!  I did it.  I created More Than A Model.

real model:going to Japan

  • I wanted to model for Levi’s.  I did it.
  • I wanted to quit eating donuts.  I did it.  Stopped.  No more.
  • I love cheese I wanted to learn more, I took classes!  Lots of them, I know about cheese… ask me!

Tasty tasty tasty...

  • I wanted to quit modeling.  I did.  I told my agent to take me off the books… 20 years into it!
  • I love the ocean.  I love the idea of being with fish… I attempted to learn to scuba dive, and then found out that I am terrified of being under the water with a weighted belt…
  • I wanted to see each state of this country.  I did it.  I got in the car and drove!
  • It sounded so appealing to live in Spain for a month with my son.  We did it!


I could keep listing items, as I love the idea of being in this world, exploring possibilities; as for the scuba diving adventure-I’m not sure if I will come back to that idea/dream.  (I would have to get over my fear of well-being without oxygen!)

Back to time.  Yes, it’s dinner time here in the house, and the boy is hungry.  I rush to the next thing, dinner.  Off this list for the day!

Until next time.

that happy place.

Posted by adrian's mom in being a wife, i forgot about me and tagged with , ,

a little bit of yum

I was thinking yesterday about that place, that place where we want to live all the time.  I call mine the happy place.  It’s in my dreams.

I want to take note of what brings me to this place… just in case I forget.  (My memory is so bad now, will this change?  I so hope so!@!)

  1. it’s licking the spoon after making chocolate mousse or fresh whip cream
  2. after a long day – collapsing into bed
  3. fresh sheets
  4. the smell of jasmine while walking on the street
  5. watching my son concentrate on a new skill
  6. finding and drinking the perfect cup of coffee-not an easy task to accomplish these days
  7. a salami sandwhich with shredded lettuce and tomatoes
  8. warm sand below my feet
  9. a walk with my dog
  10. listening to my husband articulate a word that is wrong

I am going to leave room to come back too!

Depression

Posted by adrian's mom in i forgot about me, Uncategorized and tagged with , , ,

settle into it

I am not quite sure that I have been depressed, I know a lot of people who suffer from depression, and have never quite understood it, until now. I am suffering; at least I think I’m suffering… from depression.  Since having my son, (who I love and adore, and who is number one in my life) my little life has changed, drastically.  For seventeen and a half months it’s been okay for me to be a mom, and nothing else, to put aside my career, or ambitions, or whatever you want to call what I was doing from 9-6 everyday… and not to mention any dreams that I have had…  But now at the eighteen-month mark I am feeling sad, isolated and on good days, quite stupid.  (I have no idea what is going on in the news unless I am updated by a glance at my Facebook page, which I try to scroll at least once a day so I am not at a total loss.)  Lost.

I wake up in the morning, (for about a week now) and cry.  I am not one to cry so this is a totally new reality for me.  (Tears first thing in the morning that I try to hide from my husband and son.)  I am not even sure why I am crying, I just know that the tears are there and they come when they want to.  Is this depression?

On the outside my life is good.  I have a wonderful husband, who loves me, cooks dinner and has put our son to bed practically every night for the past twelve months.  I have a beautiful house, a dog that adores the ground that I walk on, food in the fridge, a washing machine that works, I can go on and on… on the outside everything looks great.  It is all just great; it is the inside that is not great.  Now don’t get me wrong I am not grateful for what I have and where I’m at in my life, it is just so very different for me to feel alone, and empty.

I have learned that self-pity is not a characteristic worth reveling in, and further more I’m not the type to belittle my feelings, although; I can’t stand to have them…  I realize that I am currently in the midst of a personal crisis.  Change.  I am a mom.  A full time mom.  I never really thought that I would be a mom, and now here I am years later, being a MOM.  There are moments which I fear, that I will jinx or create total havoc in my life if I say I’m psst about this… so I don’t say anything at all… BUT the bottom line… there are days when this is too much for me.  I can’t stand that I cannot handle it.  I am supposed to be able to handle anything; at least I have in the past!

For the past 35 years I have handled my life, some years better than others, but for the most part it’s been a workable.  I would be lying if I said that it has been easy.  Not all the years were easy.  Indeed, there were times when I worked my tukas off, long, arduous hours and wearing heals to boot!  OUCH!  There were also years when I over drank to compensate for my insecurities (my 20′s) and there were the years when I became so pious I floated out of reach (30-33).  When reaching that miracle year of 34 life changed, I found humility.  I am not quite sure how it came to me, but it was a gift.  Thank god.  Through it all I have somewhat maintained myself without any nervous breakdowns!

Depression is sneaky.  Depression rides on my shoulder at night at tells me I have nothing to say, it’s strange.  I have lots to say…  why am I holding back my thoughts?

There is a bigger part of me that knows I will have to accept where I am at in my life, I am a mom.  I don’t say that with brevity.

The time has come for me to look, write and tell how it is for me, this is not easy.  It is not easy to look inside and admit one’s shortcomings or total disasters.  One would think, I would think, who else is writing this?  I would think that I could muscle through this…  but my muscles are weak, and who has time to exercise?  Write or die a friend said to me… so it is this process that I hope brings me relief from this deeply rooted depression.