I woke up this morning and told myself that on Friday, there would be NO more nursing. No More Boobies… No more snuggle in the morning. I yearn for my freedom, but right now as I sit here thinking about this, I get terribly sad. This is it, I can’t go back on my word, can I? No.
Until next time.
I have raging hormones now, and have had them for a couple of months. I never thought that I would be the one who would breastfeed, let alone, be the one who would breastfeed for more than six months… here I am at nineteen months and I’m forcing myself to wean my son… I don’t want to have my son, screaming MILK at 2 while he is running towards me reaching and grabbing at my boobies!
When I decided to breastfeed I was reluctant, I thought, Oh, no, not me… it’s not for me, at all! Then I began to research all of the facts and decided that for nine months I would give it a try. As soon as my son was born, an instinctual moment came, I placed him on my chest and he nuzzled toward the boob! Unbelievable. Now this was not a natural feeling, or was it very pleasant! It hurt. It hurt like hell! I’m not going to lie about the pain, no one ever told me that it was going to hurt, or that it would be challenging; or that my little boobies would become engorged and so full of milk that I would have to pump them to keep the milk at bay. NOPE. I think when I was doing the research it all appeared to be a natural thing, the little one popped out and started to nurse, and there were no problems. THIS was not true for me. He wasn’t quite savvy to the boob, it took time, hence the pump. He took his time learning how to nurse, but once he figured it out, the game was on!
At a year my husband said, well we made it to a year, he has gained all the benefits of nursing, are you ready to wean him? Automatically I thought to myself, NO, but deeper down inside I thought that I needed to at least wean him to twice a day, this three times a day is wreaking havoc on my hormones and my life. Our journey to wean began at twelve months. I got help from a professional. Thank god! She really helped me alleviate the night time feed, but then came the mid-day snuggle-nappy feed, oh no, I just can’t get rid of that one… well yes it had to go too. I stopped that at seventeen months. Now, here I am at nineteen months, I’m sweating at night, I get hot flashes, and sleeping at night has become almost painful. I say this because I think it’s my hormones that have kicked and said, enough… enough! I have heard from my other mommy friends similar stories, yikes I have to stop, but how? Nursing is like a drug. I feel so connected and close to my son; it’s calming when I nurse. Oh and I need to relax, let me tell you.
A game plan. I need a game plan to stop; STOP the sweats, the insanity of being up all night, and the daily hot flashes. I think part of my problem is that once I say goodbye to this last little gesture, I will be saying goodbye to my baby. He is no longer a baby. Which I know, and realize, but really he will be free. I will be free. There is something inside of me that has begun to mourn this closeness, and I’m sad. I think I have to leave it at that… Hmmm.
Until next time.
A job that pays me green dollar bills, not in love… I only thought about it for a moment, then I announced it to my husband, who then laughed at me. My insides churned. There are so many days that pass and I wonder if life would be easier if I had a place to escape to, to work. For some, this life that I live is a dream, they hope and pray that they will be given the gift of motherhood. Some couples pay pricey fees for treatments, and assessments, while other fall into it on a whim… (for me I call it wonder.)
There are days when I yearn for the moments of yesterday, the hustle, the lipstick, the shoes, and the commute. That was truly an escape from being one hundred percent present. I was able to hide out and disguise any problems or issues that I was inevitably facing. I hid in paperwork, invoicing, phone calls, fittings, meetings, and messages from people I didn’t know, wanting something I knew, or had. I was completely missing the moments in between the quiet seconds of stillness. Today my son and I picked the small daisies that grow wildly in the park. He walked from patch to patch collecting the small white petals with green stems. I watched him trip, fall and brush his hands off and continue on, to the next patch. He looked silently at each daisy. He smiled. Mounds of gopher hole dirt distracted him, and he began to dig into each mound with a pine cone he had discovered. Then he plopped down on top of a hole, and covered it, looking up at me for approval, with a smile. I smiled back at him, drool fell from his mouth. Oh those wicked teeth… when will they all arrive?
Do I really want a job? Is there any job better or more rewarding than running around with a child in the land of discovery? I cry at night because I can’t sleep, and fall prey to misery by 2AM, and it is then when I realize that my life is just a series of small moments and tiny seconds building (only) memories to recall in the future. I don’t want to look back and regret what I have done, or what I missed. I certainly don’t want to miss my child’s life and how he sees the world. Being a full-time MOM is priceless, there is no amount of money that could pay me more divinely. I am learning that when I suddenly want to “work” and be out doing something else, it’s because I am looking to escape some crisis in my own small world, my mind; and the only hope that I have or any relief they might come my way, just might be the tiny seconds and quiet moments that my son allows me to have, with him…
Until next time.
Committed: Feeling dedication and loyalty to a cause, activity, or job; wholeheartedly dedicated.
After months of being on the brink of depression and taking a long walk to somewhere called, make-believe, to never come home again; I finally learned something about myself. I spent the afternoon with my dog and remembered what it was like before I had my lovely, little son… it was quiet for the most part until the weekends when I worked and hustled. During the week, my husband and I would go to fancy restaurants, shows, and stay up late, sleep in to our hearts content and plan month long vacations to exotic places. My life was, self indulgent, to say the least. I had little care about what was happening around me, or what I had to do next, as it really just happened for me. Work appeared, friends showed up, travel happened! No stress. Life was good. Or was it?
Being a mom has stretched me to new places I didn’t realize existed. While I was pregnant I had great stories in my head about how it was going to be when my son would arrive. I really thought that he and I would go to work, that I could shoot with him on my back, I could edit with him in the play and pack and that I would be able to take long luxurious walks with him and my dog on the beach… (I have not once been to the beach with him and the dog). I believed with all my might that I could handle it, I mean for god sake, I have been able to handle my life up to this point and it hadn’t always been a bed of roses. I could certainly muster the capacity and panache to be a MOM. I mean, to be a mom is just another person taking care of kid, how difficult could it be? I had really painted the picture of serenity and ease with this child approaching. I made a decision to put my “career” on hold, and to take on the challenge of being a FULL TIME MOM! I, of course (can and) could do it!
After months of learning how to be a mom, how to fit into my new skin, and how to care for another human being without conditions I am finally feeling committed. I know that may sound crazy, as he has now been with us for almost 19 months… I am sure that most moms are committed from that get go; they decide and then are in it and love it… now don’t get me wrong I am not saying that I don’t love being a mom… I do.
For the past week, I have been waking up, rolling over and praying. I am not one to believe in some religious entity, I am not a piously made being. I might consider saying that I am more of the spiritual breed, so I pray, I meditate. I listen to my innermost self and to my dog. I ask for help. I am finding that I cannot be a mom all by myself. I cannot handle the pressure that I have placed on myself, (almost unknowingly) about being a mom, and raising a child in today’s world. I am stressed about everything when it comes to the little guy… am I doing it perfect, is he eating enough, should he be sleeping more, what about his ABCs should he be reciting them by now? The list is forever long, oh and what about teaching him manners and morals… My husband considers none of this, of course not, he is a dad. DAD’s don’t think or feel like MOMS! Back to praying… So I have been praying to this spiritual thing, and asking that I can be 100% committed to being a MOM today, NOT 90% or 120%, just 100% today. What that has meant for me for the last week, is being available. I am Available for my son when he can’t sleep, available when he jumps up and down in such excitement, available for his bath… just simply available.
The week has come to a close and I feel like after 18.5 months that this week, there has been a shift in me, my parenting, and my ability to be a mother. This week, I committed and I have had total success. I am even going to count the tantrum I had this morning with kicking the box of toys… and as I did, my son laughed at me, and said, UH-OH… that snapped me into reality and laughed with him. Such a difference in life with the BIG C, thank goodness.
Until next time.
Lessons I’m learning as a Mother.
Honestly, there are so many discoveries and obstacles and triumphs that I come across each day as a mother I thought that it might be helpful to start recording them…
What is the ideal mom?
I think I may take a poll as to what that question means to parents, especially mothers. Today as I scrambled after my son at the park I was struck with this question. What is the ideal mom? I watched and listened to other mothers, and other caretakers; how were they being with their most precious item?
I observed many traits of ideal:
• feeding them healthy treats at snack time—fruits and cheese
• making sure they were covered in sun block
• holding out the sippy cup, making sure they were drinking
• asking them to share with others
• pushing them on the swing and not talking on the phone
• helping them bounce on the seahorse, and explaining how it worked
• letting them play in the water puddle while becoming very messy
• pushing them in their plastic cars
• helping them on the jungle-gym, making sure not to fall
• asking if they needed to use the bathroom
These were just some of the ways in which I noticed that they were being, Ideal. I decided that for the rest of the day I would be ideal, here is what I came up: I would make a healthy homemade lunch (I made split pea soup with lots of veggies). I would play with him up until dad time. I would read him his books, and engage with him, asking questions about what we read. I would allow him extra coconut water, and let him down when he would begin to fuss at dinner. The last item on the list is the most challenging, but I completely did it, I would be a nice wife! There are many days when I become completely bitchy, and I silently shut my husband out, downright mean. It’s not that I want to be bitchy, it just happens. The load of being a mom, disciplining and discovering every moment with my child is overwhelming and emotional to great heights, or depths depending on how you look at it. I am not sure if my husband noticed or even cared, but the point of this exercise today was for me to see if I could actually begin to have that spiritual experience to be different, to view my child, and his world with new eyes… and today, it happened. Thank you.
Well, here I am, a mom. Yes, indeed eighteen months later and it is truly starting to settle in, and I’m beginning to feel resentment. I can’t stand this horrible feeling. I am the type of person that can’t afford to be in any kind of resentment, let alone let it fester for days! I am resenting just about everything… my lack of enthusiasm, my tiredness, my lack of sound sleep, my inability to brush it all off, the gluten-free animal crackers that taste like sawdust, the constant trimming of my son’s nails, the scratches on my face when I don’t trim his nails, lack of time, my inability to truly care for myself, let alone the dog, my husband or the car! I am in deep trouble here.
Today while I was at the park, I met another mom, her and my son were born about three weeks apart and recently she moved to LA (my old digs!). While I was with her today, I realized that I am a train wreck, literally! She showed up all bright and shiny, new shoes, well manicured nails, calm brushed hair and a truly peaceful presence! Her son, calm. He has always been rather chill; he sleeps 2+hours a day and all the way through the night, he talks, does his sign language and plays nice… meaning he shares. I watch her and her son together, there is an element that exists between the two of them that I don’t’ have with my son, and I’m envious. I asked her how she does it, she tells me that it’s natural for her. She is a natural at being a mother? I can’t stand that thought. I am not a natural, but isn’t that why women are here, to help reproduce our species? I am puzzled. She also told me that she didn’t want to miss anything that her son experiences and she had made a decision with her husband that she would not be going back to work anytime soon, that she would care for their son full time. WHOA… here I am counting the moments until my helper comes to relieve me three days a week, and trying to figure out how I can get back to work, or create enough money so that I can get more help… something is terribly wrong with me.
I took my son to Whole Foods to buy our groceries, I sat him in the shopping cart with his monkey, he listened to the music that played overhead throughout the store. He began to swivel in his seat, rocking from hip to hip. A totally new movement, then he added his head nodding back and forth, all to the beat of the song. I watched him without him noticing that I was watching, so he would continue to enjoy his moment, AHHH-mazing! He was having a great time with me. I told him that we had to find Dada’s coconut juice and he went crazy when we finally found it… happily bouncing while pointing to the juice. Are these the moments that my friend is talking about? I think they are, these are the moments that my husband misses, parents that work full time miss, parents that are absent or crazy like I have been. We miss these first time moments, these precious, never going to happen again, FIRST(s).
I think this is where the spiritual awakening has to come into play. In order for me to survive (this) toddlerhood and parenting I think I must have some kind of awakening to it. I want to wake up in the morning and be ready to play, make eggs and be happy to pick them up when they land on the floor after he had thrown them around the room. I would like to be able to deal with tantrums and sand in every crevice of his body. I would like to acknowledge him when he wakes up and starts saying, mama, mama, mama. I need something to kick in and start working for me, please.
As this day ends I realize that if I just keep asking to be a better mom I may end up there, right? Tonight, I am truly grateful that I was able to spend the day with him, and watch him dance in his seat, and lean into me and snuggle. Tomorrow, I pray for the spiritual experience to be a better mom, to be present, aware and honest with myself when I need to stop and look at him for who he is… he is my perfect son, a gift.
Why was mother’s day created?
Today was mother’s day and although I would have liked to be very excited about it, it was a sucky day. Yes, I said sucky. Maybe I’m unclear what this day is suppose to be like, maybe my expectations are set too high? But there was no card, no chocolate and no flowers. I was on duty all day and made the decision to be with my child when he decided not to sleep… We are currently on holiday, well, it’s not a holiday; let me rephrase that, it’s a family visit. I don’t really like travelling currently, because honestly it is overwhelming. I become the total disaster mom and wife, as nothing is in order. I like order. I like when my son sleeps and eats on time, I like him to be in a good mood, not challenging on me or anyone else he is with. I also like my bed, although currently I’m not sleeping at night so it shouldn’t really matter. I never thought that this would be me, that I would want to be at home, or that I would prefer that space. What has happened to me?
Back to mother’s day, I sent out at least fifteen text to all the mama’s I know and I got all my love via the phone, text… and messages. Thank goodness someone noticed that this was an important day, (it’s too bad that it’s not my husband) I even got one message that said something like this, “I hope that you are being recognized and celebrated for all you do for your family, you are a great mom.”
I guess I should just remember to be grateful for that message, and to be grateful for my son who I absolutely love and adore, for without him I would not have this bloody holiday to even think about!
Another thought… Maybe next mother’s day I will go away, on my own and celebrate alone.
Could someone please tell me why we have this day, I know I can’t be alone in this…
the beginning. one must start somewhere.
Some may think that you are gurgling and slurring or making hiccup noises. Being your mother I know that you are talking. Your list of words is rather extensive considering you are a bilingual baby! In the morning you say hwello. When you have a little or big mess in your diaper you say stinky! You also say this when Ash, (that is how you say ashen our dog) goes poo-poo… You are obsessed with apples. And up, up, up. Agua has made your list along with clock. Your all time favorite…uhhh-ohhhh!
Your words are many! Keep talking baby.
