I am not quite sure that I have been depressed, I know a lot of people who suffer from depression, and have never quite understood it, until now. I am suffering; at least I think I’m suffering… from depression. Since having my son, (who I love and adore, and who is number one in my life) my little life has changed, drastically. For seventeen and a half months it’s been okay for me to be a mom, and nothing else, to put aside my career, or ambitions, or whatever you want to call what I was doing from 9-6 everyday… and not to mention any dreams that I have had… But now at the eighteen-month mark I am feeling sad, isolated and on good days, quite stupid. (I have no idea what is going on in the news unless I am updated by a glance at my Facebook page, which I try to scroll at least once a day so I am not at a total loss.) Lost.
I wake up in the morning, (for about a week now) and cry. I am not one to cry so this is a totally new reality for me. (Tears first thing in the morning that I try to hide from my husband and son.) I am not even sure why I am crying, I just know that the tears are there and they come when they want to. Is this depression?
On the outside my life is good. I have a wonderful husband, who loves me, cooks dinner and has put our son to bed practically every night for the past twelve months. I have a beautiful house, a dog that adores the ground that I walk on, food in the fridge, a washing machine that works, I can go on and on… on the outside everything looks great. It is all just great; it is the inside that is not great. Now don’t get me wrong I am not grateful for what I have and where I’m at in my life, it is just so very different for me to feel alone, and empty.
I have learned that self-pity is not a characteristic worth reveling in, and further more I’m not the type to belittle my feelings, although; I can’t stand to have them… I realize that I am currently in the midst of a personal crisis. Change. I am a mom. A full time mom. I never really thought that I would be a mom, and now here I am years later, being a MOM. There are moments which I fear, that I will jinx or create total havoc in my life if I say I’m psst about this… so I don’t say anything at all… BUT the bottom line… there are days when this is too much for me. I can’t stand that I cannot handle it. I am supposed to be able to handle anything; at least I have in the past!
For the past 35 years I have handled my life, some years better than others, but for the most part it’s been a workable. I would be lying if I said that it has been easy. Not all the years were easy. Indeed, there were times when I worked my tukas off, long, arduous hours and wearing heals to boot! OUCH! There were also years when I over drank to compensate for my insecurities (my 20’s) and there were the years when I became so pious I floated out of reach (30-33). When reaching that miracle year of 34 life changed, I found humility. I am not quite sure how it came to me, but it was a gift. Thank god. Through it all I have somewhat maintained myself without any nervous breakdowns!
Depression is sneaky. Depression rides on my shoulder at night at tells me I have nothing to say, it’s strange. I have lots to say… why am I holding back my thoughts?
There is a bigger part of me that knows I will have to accept where I am at in my life, I am a mom. I don’t say that with brevity.
The time has come for me to look, write and tell how it is for me, this is not easy. It is not easy to look inside and admit one’s shortcomings or total disasters. One would think, I would think, who else is writing this? I would think that I could muscle through this… but my muscles are weak, and who has time to exercise? Write or die a friend said to me… so it is this process that I hope brings me relief from this deeply rooted depression.