Well, here I am, a mom. Yes, indeed eighteen months later and it is truly starting to settle in, and I’m beginning to feel resentment. I can’t stand this horrible feeling. I am the type of person that can’t afford to be in any kind of resentment, let alone let it fester for days! I am resenting just about everything… my lack of enthusiasm, my tiredness, my lack of sound sleep, my inability to brush it all off, the gluten-free animal crackers that taste like sawdust, the constant trimming of my son’s nails, the scratches on my face when I don’t trim his nails, lack of time, my inability to truly care for myself, let alone the dog, my husband or the car! I am in deep trouble here.
Today while I was at the park, I met another mom, her and my son were born about three weeks apart and recently she moved to LA (my old digs!). While I was with her today, I realized that I am a train wreck, literally! She showed up all bright and shiny, new shoes, well manicured nails, calm brushed hair and a truly peaceful presence! Her son, calm. He has always been rather chill; he sleeps 2+hours a day and all the way through the night, he talks, does his sign language and plays nice… meaning he shares. I watch her and her son together, there is an element that exists between the two of them that I don’t’ have with my son, and I’m envious. I asked her how she does it, she tells me that it’s natural for her. She is a natural at being a mother? I can’t stand that thought. I am not a natural, but isn’t that why women are here, to help reproduce our species? I am puzzled. She also told me that she didn’t want to miss anything that her son experiences and she had made a decision with her husband that she would not be going back to work anytime soon, that she would care for their son full time. WHOA… here I am counting the moments until my helper comes to relieve me three days a week, and trying to figure out how I can get back to work, or create enough money so that I can get more help… something is terribly wrong with me.
I took my son to Whole Foods to buy our groceries, I sat him in the shopping cart with his monkey, he listened to the music that played overhead throughout the store. He began to swivel in his seat, rocking from hip to hip. A totally new movement, then he added his head nodding back and forth, all to the beat of the song. I watched him without him noticing that I was watching, so he would continue to enjoy his moment, AHHH-mazing! He was having a great time with me. I told him that we had to find Dada’s coconut juice and he went crazy when we finally found it… happily bouncing while pointing to the juice. Are these the moments that my friend is talking about? I think they are, these are the moments that my husband misses, parents that work full time miss, parents that are absent or crazy like I have been. We miss these first time moments, these precious, never going to happen again, FIRST(s).
I think this is where the spiritual awakening has to come into play. In order for me to survive (this) toddlerhood and parenting I think I must have some kind of awakening to it. I want to wake up in the morning and be ready to play, make eggs and be happy to pick them up when they land on the floor after he had thrown them around the room. I would like to be able to deal with tantrums and sand in every crevice of his body. I would like to acknowledge him when he wakes up and starts saying, mama, mama, mama. I need something to kick in and start working for me, please.
As this day ends I realize that if I just keep asking to be a better mom I may end up there, right? Tonight, I am truly grateful that I was able to spend the day with him, and watch him dance in his seat, and lean into me and snuggle. Tomorrow, I pray for the spiritual experience to be a better mom, to be present, aware and honest with myself when I need to stop and look at him for who he is… he is my perfect son, a gift.