A job that pays me green dollar bills, not in love… I only thought about it for a moment, then I announced it to my husband, who then laughed at me. My insides churned. There are so many days that pass and I wonder if life would be easier if I had a place to escape to, to work. For some, this life that I live is a dream, they hope and pray that they will be given the gift of motherhood. Some couples pay pricey fees for treatments, and assessments, while other fall into it on a whim… (for me I call it wonder.)
There are days when I yearn for the moments of yesterday, the hustle, the lipstick, the shoes, and the commute. That was truly an escape from being one hundred percent present. I was able to hide out and disguise any problems or issues that I was inevitably facing. I hid in paperwork, invoicing, phone calls, fittings, meetings, and messages from people I didn’t know, wanting something I knew, or had. I was completely missing the moments in between the quiet seconds of stillness. Today my son and I picked the small daisies that grow wildly in the park. He walked from patch to patch collecting the small white petals with green stems. I watched him trip, fall and brush his hands off and continue on, to the next patch. He looked silently at each daisy. He smiled. Mounds of gopher hole dirt distracted him, and he began to dig into each mound with a pine cone he had discovered. Then he plopped down on top of a hole, and covered it, looking up at me for approval, with a smile. I smiled back at him, drool fell from his mouth. Oh those wicked teeth… when will they all arrive?
Do I really want a job? Is there any job better or more rewarding than running around with a child in the land of discovery? I cry at night because I can’t sleep, and fall prey to misery by 2AM, and it is then when I realize that my life is just a series of small moments and tiny seconds building (only) memories to recall in the future. I don’t want to look back and regret what I have done, or what I missed. I certainly don’t want to miss my child’s life and how he sees the world. Being a full-time MOM is priceless, there is no amount of money that could pay me more divinely. I am learning that when I suddenly want to “work” and be out doing something else, it’s because I am looking to escape some crisis in my own small world, my mind; and the only hope that I have or any relief they might come my way, just might be the tiny seconds and quiet moments that my son allows me to have, with him…
Until next time.