Being a Woman.

I have been watching women all of my life, I love women.  I fell in love with women in 2nd grade. I owe this to my second grade teacher who shared her world with me, she wore her fashionable muted brown and green 70’s attire, traveled to foreign destinations, told fun stories and was single!  

She taught me how to read, and live in the adventure of a story, but more importantly she showed me how to smile on the inside.  As I reflect on this I realize that she was subtly teaching me how to be a woman.  I secretly wanted her life, I wanted to be her.  



Being a woman is an incredible journey, I have nothing to compare it to, I have never been anything else.  Although, I can compare the decades of my life as a woman.  My 20s were rough; drugs, drinking, early days of modeling, late nights, an endless progression of sleeping with nameless men and women.  Endless days of waking with hangovers so bad I couldn’t move in fear of my heart exploding or stopping depending on what I was coming down from.  Being a woman in my 20s was trying, I was trying to be it, trying to fit in, trying to be right, trying to look the part.  

Every day I wore deep red lipstick and heals, everyday I passed (as in didn’t eat) on at least two meals, everyday I drank at least two diet cokes.  The 20s were filled with shoulder pads, bad outfits, lots of shoes, and bleached hair.

Being a woman is learning how to slow down and breath, not to rush it.  I know this now, not ten years ago.  

I look back at my 30s and can barely see those years, they were fast and furious.  I was a hustler. I played the game to succeed and be seen, to make more money and have more things.  I traveled more and saw the world, tried to do good, and make up for the previous years of self indulgence.  My 30s gave me a place in the world to feel secure and confident with my decisions, everything I did always worked out for the best.  Being a woman in my 30s led me to search for answers and find solace (9/11). 

In my mid 30s I walked away from everything I knew to be me, and happily dropped out from my comfort zone called hustling for money and prestige.  I divorced myself from every personal, comfortable item I owned.  I was finally able to fall in love, with a man.  My thirties were a time of suits, jeans, cashmere and mascara, my hair began to show it’s grey self and I covered it every three weeks.

Being a woman is incredibly comfortable.  

Here I am in my 40s now, a wife and a mother, two circumstances I never thought possible, nor that I would be living.  Two very different points of view I have had to learn about, only through experience over time.  I have realized that I may be in the last half of my life. 

Mortality has revealed itself to me, it’s so strange.  I am no more hopeless or lost or questioning everything I do, no more trying to be something I am not.  Being a woman now is everything, it is knowing who I am and what I am doing.  It is about seeing the world and seeing how I can be useful, how I can help others.  I love knowing that as I become older I also become wiser, I am no longer guessing. I am able to observe and share stories with other women who ask how to live differently.  I have 20 and 30 year old women tapping me on my shoulder asking me how to live, how to be in the world, how to handle life circumstances, how to survive the daily grind. I never knew that I could ask for help, I never thought that another woman would share with me like I do. I feel like I missed out on that, or perhaps it’s just a different now and younger women recognize that they need help, and they ask.  They don’t want to live in the “rough”, or “hustling” times as I did.  They want to be free and happy they want to be released from the natural state of self doubt and lack of self esteem, they want to be more, I hear it everyday.  

We live in such an interesting time.  I am grateful that I am a woman who knows herself and who has traveled an unhinged, adventurous, full life, who craves being helpful.  Today, I practice daily reflection, patience, and accept all of my grey hairs with an inner smile that Ms. Brown would be proud of after all these years.

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