How to Find Long-Term Recovery from Alcoholism

how to Find Long-Term Recovery from Alcoholism

In this heartfelt conversation, we dig into what it really takes to move through the rage and guilt of motherhood, listen and learn how to walk another day of sober motherhood, with grace and dignity, Jana shares so beautifully. Enjoy.

Listen in to Jana’s Episode

how to Find Long-Term Recovery from Alcoholism


Hello. I hope you’re having a great moment. Today’s show is jam-packed with honesty. Laughter and an overall good time. I hope you enjoy it. I also want to make sure that you have signed up for the next calm circle. You can find out more about it, what we’re doing every month. It’s all for you, especially for you, mama.

Over at Let’s get into the episode.

Lane: How are you? I hope you are doing well. Here we are. In another episode, another fantastic guest sharing her story today. I’m really excited to connect with my friend Janna. We’ve known each other for a long time. Two decades to over. Yeah. Yeah. Crazy time. We don’t get to see each other because we have moved and done different things in life.

She’s currently living in Los Angeles. She is a successful working actress, an animal advocate, which I love so much. And just a dear friend, Jana, welcome to the show.

Jana: Thanks lane. So happy to be here. Thanks for asking me. It’s really, you know, I love the fact that I can have relations with people longer than like one night, you know?

Lane: And I don’t have to see you every day or talk to you every day because we’re on the silver path together.

Jana: Absolutely. And there’s no real distance or time it can pick up. There is, there’s not like a, why didn’t you call me or where have you been, or why aren’t you in touch with me? It’s just like always now it means something to me.

Lane: So that is, Oh, Jana. That is so perfect. People don’t understand that. Right. And I think that’s relevant, for, even with a little more maturity or mature sobriety. Yes.

Jana: Agreed agreed. Getting older, the friends that I had that were about, Hey, I called you, you didn’t call me back. Or where have you been those slowly?

And I, I mean, this lovingly have had to, they’ve kind of gone away a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, because I don’t really have the capacity or the wherewithal to apologize and to take care of people in that way anymore, you know?

Lane: Oh my God. Oh my God. You are, honestly, I am having this moment where I was just talking to another friend of mine and we were talking about this exact thing.

Where there’s something about maturing, not only in age, but in recovery where you just don’t, you don’t have to make excuses. You don’t have to say you don’t have to.

Jana: There is no more room for it. Yeah. You know what I’ve been doing? I’ve been living my life. That’s what I’ve been doing.

What have you been doing

Lane: living life? I mean like full, full time. Oh, good. So when. I going to have to just tell a story.

Jana: They tell, you know, in recovery they talk about, Oh, go ahead. Right. Oh, they talk about, you know, it being a selfish program, right? I mean, they say this is a selfish program. And so we’re, we’re taught about being of service doing for others, giving generously, showing up in love.

Right. Being constantly helping. But the truth of the matter is if I can’t take, if I’m not taking care of myself first. Yeah. None of those things, none of those things are happening.

Lane: There is, there is no connection there isn’t connection.

Jana: That’s right. There is no connection. No, that’s right.

Lane: Yeah. Don’t shame me for taking care of myself.

Jana: Thank you. Thank you. It’s the shame. Yes. Lane.

Lane: Yeah, but I’ll get back to you. I’ll get back to you when I’m ready to no, that’s right. No, cause that’s a shame on me. Like you’re shaming me. How you do that. No, I’m not going to take it. Yeah, I hear you, sister.

I love that.

So when we met many years ago, we hung out with the same crew.

We got into recovery. We love recovery. You are a mother.

Jana: I’m a mother of a grown woman. Now my daughter just turned 30. You know, she turned 30. So I raised her in total, in recovery. You know, I got sober when she was five and raised her. I lived here with her totally sober. I was thinking about this earlier today on my walk lane, I’ve always really loved and respected and appreciated you.

, We had that. We have a very similar, , a mutual person in contact. You use to sponsor a girl. , well she was a girl then Linda, I’m not, I don’t remember what his name is today. But I always loved the relationship that you guys had together. And so I was just thinking about that. Like how you can love somebody through another person and then ended up loving you anyways.

Do you know what I mean? That was a really special time for me. That was a time. And I remember you bringing your daughter around or like being, you know, in gatherings and I’d be like, Oh my God, what is happening here? Like, how was this possible? I had to. You know, I had to bring her around because what else are you gonna do as a single mom?

You know, I mean, there was so much at the time. I can’t tell you how many meetings she’s gone to with me, how many outings she’s been to with me? And so, to ask her today as a grown woman, I’ll say, Hey, do you feel like puppy into a meeting with me? She’s like, Nope, I want to all the meetings I need to go to in my life.

Thank you so much. Right. But I mean, yes, she, she learned how to go and sit quietly for an hour also, you know? , I remember one time I was secretary and the meeting was that Saturday morning, 8:00 AM meeting underneath the The tower records. Yep. Yep. Sunset Plaza. Yup. Yup. And there was, she sat up at the table with me to help secretary.

And I remember his talking about shaming. You know, there was a guy that pulled me aside and said, It is inappropriate for you to have your daughter sit at the table with you while you’re secretary Ang. It’s very distracting to me and I really, and, you know, I was young, then I was younger. I wasn’t 30 yet.

And I, I, I took it on and I apologized and I made adjustments and I thought he was right. And can I just tell you. That if somebody said that to me today, I would never allow that is like, just talking about getting older, you know, not only in years, but in the understanding of this is not you that’s about you.

That’s not about me. That’s about you. I’m doing my very best here. Yeah. I, I, I always, I think about that guy and I think about. How I allowed somebody to, to make me change and do something different because I felt so ashamed. Yeah. Yeah. I don’t even, I just don’t have space for that. I just don’t. I just like, I don’t believe in that type of recovery, I don’t believe in, you know, you have to express your opinion to somebody like that.

And having your daughter there. You know, years later, Right. Years later, I have a son, right. Who is 10 he’s 11 now. Right. So I would bring him into a mutual aid meeting and sit there and he would read for an hour. Right. And so, and I didn’t do that until he was about five years old. Right. But I didn’t do that because people shame me.

They said, you can’t bring, you can’t bring your kid. You can’t it’s too distracting. And I was like horrified by this. So he had to learn how to just sit and read and be in his little space. And he knows now that I’m in recovery, it’s a safe conversation, right? There’s just, I, yeah. People people, people, people, people, I can’t believe she’s 30.

I’m like, Whoa. Chloe is 30. She’s traveled all over the world. Two times. She was gone for almost two and a half years at one point you know, she’s traveled everywhere. She is an extraordinary human being. I cannot even believe the woman who she has grown into be. I mean, does it surprise you though? I mean, honestly, you are a sober mother, like.

Right. You have in there. I know, but man, I’ve made some real glaring mistakes.

Lane: Okay. So let’s talk about the glaring mistakes, because I think those are really important to share with our moms. Right. And it’s we find recovery and then it’s, you know, people’s have this illusion of like, Oh, it’s going to be perfect.

And my life is going to be great. Yeah. But let me tell ya, I mean, it’s rough, it’s rough. So let’s, let’s share one of those. Moments or a couple of those moments with our mama.

Jana: So I, this is just my experience. So this is just one of many, and I, you know, I’ve done a lot of trauma therapy also. So when I got sober at 27.

I had a lot of unhealed trauma still, so that I didn’t know about. Right. Like, you don’t know that you have it until you tell you’ve been, you know, till you, till you’re in therapy. I got sober and wasn’t getting any. Quote, unquote better. I’m in fact, I was getting like worse. I was, you know, my medicine was gone.

My, my, my solution was gone. And even though I was in AA and I was working the steps and I was sponsoring women and I was being sponsored and I was being in service. I was raising my daughter as best as I could. I personally had a lot of unhealed rage, and that’s the kind of stuff, you know, that anger that I really regret.

And Chloe, you know, was on the receiving end of that. And that’s, I talk about shame and, you know, talk about forgiving myself and really, and there are some days when I really do forgive myself that I understand that I was young and I didn’t know any better. And when, you know, when we know better, we do better and all that stuff.

But then there’s just some days when I just, you know, really regret the things that I’ve said. And, you know, said around her that the anger that she saw in me, you know, really like, kind of like this blanket of rage that, you know, I would spray all over the house. And so I got into real deep therapy when I was around seven years sober, the kind of therapy that, , you know, EMDR, NLP tapping.

Brainspotting, and that it took a long time, you know, it took years of that kind of therapy to really, to really heal that stuff from my childhood. Which of course we don’t know about it when it’s happening. Right. You know, you’re 35, you should know better. You’ve got to, you got a 13 year old daughter.

You shouldn’t be acting like this, all that stuff, you know, and I would hear in meetings, if you work the steps, stay sober. And show up in service, your life will get better and that’s all you need. And meanwhile, my life was unraveling. The bottom was falling out from underneath me. So, those are some of the things that, you know, I wish I could go back and do again.

If I were, I always say if I had been a little older as a mom, I might’ve done better. I don’t know. I was 21 when I had her. I don’t want to blame age. I don’t want to, I don’t blame anymore. It just is what it is, but those are some of the things. And then another thing that I, that happened for me is that around almost 13 years of sobriety, I relapsed.

And that was a big. That was a big turning point. Chloe was 18 years old. I had raised her. My plan had been cause we were in Los Angeles. We’d moved to Los Angeles. It’s from Portland. We lived here for three years and then I moved back and you know, by gut I was able to do things like buy a house, own a business, you know, sell it, we’ll buy condo.

So the condo buy a house like live way beyond what I could have done in Los Angeles as a single mom, you know, actress, waitress. I can tell you that. My plan was always that as soon as Chloe graduated from high school, I would pack up and come back to Los Angeles on my own. What ended up happening is that I ended up taking pills and that was the beginning of a five year relapse for me.

And it was really devastating. I lied about it. I hid it. I told people I was still sober. You know, I haven’t had a drink in like 28 years, but I wasn’t sober. I was out of my mind. So Chloe, my then 22, 21, 22 year old daughter got this chance, this really unfortunate opportunity to see her mom who she’d never seen, you know, not sober behave in this really You know, drug addicts are ugly 100%, I’m sorry.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I’m just not the same person. And so she, she w witnessed that, and this is now her as an adult. And Again, just some regrets there that I, that I wish you wouldn’t have seen that, you know, again, we can say, yeah, but she was an adult, so she probably understood it better. She’s still my child, you know what I mean?

I still see her as like three or four years old. I mean, I don’t, I, you know, even at 30, I still don’t. I mean, I know she’s a woman, I get it. But for me, I still have pictures around my house where she’s like a baby, you know, like I still have hold her in my mind is so young. Yeah. So those are kind of some of the things.

Lane: Oh, my goodness. Are you just loving the story? Janet is incredible. I want to pop in and just remind you to sign up for the next column. Reset. You can do that over at recover like a mother. Dot com forward slash reset. All right let’s get back to the show

So as you were talking, I was just thinking about the rage, right? Like this is a lot of thing. This is this is, I find this so common. You said 13, you were raging, correct?

Jana: When I was when I was Chloe was 13. I was about seven years sober, so, okay. When did you use again? Oh, sorry. 13 years.

Lane: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry about that. Okay. So I find that there’s a common theme around the 10 to 15 year Mark. Like, like there’s this, it’s like a no man’s land and people pick up again. Wow. It’s it’s a common, common conversation that I have. And I it’s so interesting to hear that you picked up pills, right?

Like that is that your drug of choice.

Jana: I’ve never taken a pill.

Lane: Right. So I find that. So it’s like the disease of alcoholism addiction is so tricky. Right. It’s so conniving. It’s going to, it’s going to get in there if we’re not. And I see, I say we, people in recovery are doing some kind of personal work, right?

So the EMDR, the, you know, you had this rage that was coming up, and this is another common thing that happens, , when that rage is not. I don’t even know. It’s like cared for, like, it’s such a sensitive issue and working properly with somebody proper is not the right word, but working in, depths, like really having somebody be able to hold you through that rage work.

Yeah. I’m just thinking about the, the steps that you took and then picked up. Yeah, it makes total sense to me. It makes 100%. Absolute when I was Adrian was two or three years old and I woke up to rage and I had never experienced rage before in my recovery. And. I thought, Oh my God, I, I am, I’m going to kill something.

Like I literally thought, yeah, I’m like, where is this coming from? Right. Like, and nobody was talking about it. I would go into a meeting a room and people would just look at me. Yeah. And again, it felt shame. I felt like, yes, can I not talk about this? Yes. You know, somebody came up to me and said, that’s an outside issue.

Jana: Yes.

Lane: And I was like,

 I’m going to get drunk about that. I’m going to drink, you know, so I had to, I had to dive in and that’s really when my adventure into my meditation practice. Yes. Yes. So when did, how did you make that decision to get sober again? I mean, I don’t even know if I could do that again. So what was that? Jenna?

Jana: Oh, Laying. It was not. It’s no joke. I got to tell ya and getting sober at 45 is a lot different than getting sober at 27. Let me tell ya. And you were out for five years, five years. Yes. Like dirty cakes and coins. It’s a miracle I’m alive. And I’ll share one little story about the day I relapsed, because this is something I share with a lot of people because it’s so, it’s so classic alcoholic.

And then I’ll answer your question. So, because I’m a, I’m also a cliche, I’m an alcoholics cliche. I stopped going to meetings. AA started bugging me. My sponsees became a nuisance. My sponsor became very one dimensional and limited. I was scary. Like, you know, it was all, it was all, it was pride. I was primed for a pill.

So it was Thanksgiving day. I was at my mom’s now again, I I’ve been sober. I don’t, I’m not even thinking about using. I’m not even, it’s not even in my realm of thoughts. It’s Thanksgiving day. My mom and I are running around. We’re cooking, we’re cleaning and I had a headache. I said, Hey mom, do you have any ibuprofen?

You know, do you have a Tylenol or ibuprofen? And she’s like, yeah, hold on. Let me think. I think so her then boyfriend says to me coming up the side of my ear, I have something stronger can. I said, okay, they will come that time when there will be no human power that will relieve us from our alcoholism.

Yeah. I put my hand out. He put this big blue pill in my hand, I still don’t know what it was. I’m assuming it was some kind of an Oxy, I don’t know. Oh my God. It in my mouth, I drank water. And what happened for me is this about 12 minutes after I took that pill, like. Everything from my head all the way down to my shoulders, my chest, my torso, all the way down my body.

I could finally breathe this enormous wave of like solutions showed up. And these were the first two thoughts that came to my mind. I’m going to take one pill every Thanksgiving, and I’m not going to tell anybody. And I meant it. Lane. I meant it, one pill every Thanksgiving, and I’m not going to tell anybody.

So that’s what set up this the five years. And it certainly did not end where it started. Let me tell you it became it. It spiraled out at around, after about two years of relapsing the last three years, just, just, it just, you know, the house of cards was just tumbling. I was actually intervened on, I had an intervention.

A very woman who I was friends with at the time who was not an alcoholic, she knew something was wrong. A lot of people knew something was wrong by behavior. So out of control,

Lane: Everybody knows, except everybody knows.

All right. Every body knows. Mama. Are you taking care of yourself? I’m just dropping in the middle of the show to remind you. To take care of yourself. Make sure that you jump over to recover like a mother and sign up for the next calm circle. Trust me. You’re going to love it. It’s free. It’s the best time of your life.

I hope that you are enjoying this episode. It’s a wonderful to have you with me as often as possible. All right, make sure the jump over to recover like a mother. Dot com forward slash reset.

Jana: Everybody knew I was out of control and she ended up getting a hold of my phone one day and, called my sponsor, found my sponsor and my phone and called her and told her, listen, I don’t know if this is right.

I don’t know if I can be doing this. I don’t know if this is the okay to, if this is, you know, I’ll. all, whatever. So she told her, and then everybody just kind of started swooping in and it took me about a year after that to get sober again. That whole next year, I think was probably the worst year because now everybody knew.

So now I had to double down on my efforts to hide it and I couldn’t stop. It was this horrific, He was just horrible and so lonely, you know, the disease is so isolating. I used only by myself, never with anybody. I was pathological. I was paranoid. I was completely alone. So getting sober, I believe getting sober.

The second time was a true act of Providence. It was a real, it was the real gift. Yeah. And then I ended up moving into a halfway house. I was so untrustworthy to myself. I, my word was so not good. I didn’t trust myself. I ended up moving into a sober living house and of course, classic arrogant. I’ll move in there for a month.

Maybe three I’ll get cleaned up. And then I’ll move back. Cause you know, I own a business. I own a home don’t you know who I think I am. I’m very fancy. I’m very important. Right. I ended up living there for a year and it saved my life. Those women who, you know, Didn’t really like me at first to say they, you know, I hadn’t lost everything yet, yet, yet.

You know, the women who I lived with had all been to jail. They’d lost their kids. They’d lost their teeth. They’d lost loss, loss, loss, loss. I still had the thing that low. I could still pull it together externally, which I feel is a little more dangerous even then when you lose everything, you know, I was still grasping at what I looked like, but living in that halfway house, I swear to God, it saved my whole life.

It saved my whole life. It, it, it saved my life. I’ll always cherish that year that I learned how to follow the rules. That rules apply to me that, you know, I go to curfew, I do my chores. I, you know, so that was, that was my experience of my, that was seven. Yeah. And a half years ago.

Lane: Incredible. It’s really incredible.

And I believe, go ahead. No, you go. No, I’m just saying it’s incredible. Go ahead. I believe. Go ahead. It’s it’s.

Jana: I believe that this recovery, I had never, ever been this grateful before in my other recovery. And I didn’t know it. You don’t know what you don’t know? I didn’t know. Right? I didn’t know that I wasn’t grateful.

I didn’t know that I didn’t appreciate. I knew that I had had the obsession to drink and use lifted. I knew that my life had gotten better. I knew that things. You know, I had a lot to live for, but I wake up and I mean, and I’m not exaggerating. This is not an AA bumper sticker every day. Grateful every day, I am no longer a slave because I guess I am somebody and I don’t wish it on my worst enemy, but I am somebody that needed to be reminded that, Oh yes, I too, am still a drug at night, you know?

There is no question. I have no reservations nor lurking notions. You know how they talk about it, that in the big book, like, do you have any resume? I have no more lurking notions that I could possibly use just a little bit and get away with it. I, I just don’t wonder that anymore. Yeah. It’s such a good while it took a while to my, for my daughter to trust me again.

Lane: I can only imagine.

Jana: Yeah, it was pretty I mean, of course she does now. I mean, my whole family relies on me and counts on me. Right. there was this one time when Chloe, we went sailing with her dad who I’ve stayed in great contact with, and she’s got a good relationship with her dad and we were in Portland and we went sailing and she knew I had been using, I had telling her that I wasn’t even lying.

Yeah. And. I remember this, look on her face. This look that I had never seen before, and it, I knew I had lost her respect. Do you know what I mean? Like I knew I had lost it. It was the war and I tried to acknowledge it and apologize to it later. And what she said was in her very healthy way. I don’t really want to talk to you about it anymore.

Well, I just don’t want to talk about it anymore. I don’t want to hear what you have to say about it anymore. And she meant it. Like she, that wasn’t like, Hey, you know, and, and then I got sober shortly after that. And, you know, we have since taught, obviously we’ve, you know, I’ve made a lot of amendments and I make living amends and verbal amends.

Then, you know, she’s told me where she’s been resentful and stuff. So. It is that some of my shame, I just,

Lane: we don’t know what we don’t know. Like that is such a profound statement. And. I can say that to someone and they don’t understand it because they don’t know because they don’t know. You don’t know that the, the disease of alcoholism is just whispering in your ear.

Cool, because I believe that somebody that really suffers from this disease can not differentiate the true from the false right. There is something so profound about that whisper. That’s like, Oh one pill, fine. Everything’s giving not a problem. Nobody’s going to know. I can totally get, I can, I can totally understand that.

I can totally just appreciate that. I can. I’m so glad that your friend did an intervention like that is such God’s grace or the universe stepping in powerful, powerful recovery. And the fact that you know, that this. Is your recovery. Like you stepped in seven and a half years ago. It’s different.

Jana: It’s totally different.

Lane: Yeah.

Jana: Yeah, because I have been to hell I have actually been, I have revisited hell and I think after being sober a long time and then going and using again, it’s a different kind of hell. Yeah. Because you know enough to know, Oh, That, you know, that’s where all the pathology came in for me, you know, I wasn’t telling anybody.

I mean, I, because. Of my ego. Yeah. I didn’t want to raise my hand if you notice early 30 days, like, you know, all of that stuff. And I finally had to just give it up. I finally, I remember the day when I just like put both hands up and I was like, all right, I give, I give, I give, I need help. I really need help.

I really am not doing well. I need, like, I remember where I was, how I felt. And then, and then the very next day I found the halfway house the very next day I, I had moved in to the very next day. Do you know what I mean? Like it just, yeah. The first night I moved into the house. Well, just to give you a little visual, I’m moved in to the halfway house in garbage bags, moving.

I mean, all of my stuff was in garbage bags. And in his truck that, you know, anytime you need somebody to help you move, just go to an AA meeting. Cause there’s always a couple of guys that will help, you know, right. One of the guys had an old truck, we looked like the Beverly hillbillies meets the clamp it’s with all, with this truck, it was snowing and all my stuff in garbage bags, I mean, it was, I was truly a vision for you.

It was really pretty gorgeous. I remember loading all my stuff. I had this little tiny, teeny bedroom. Cause I was the last person that moved into the house. So I had the smallest room, right? Like, like it’s kind of like, however long you’ve been there, you get the bigger, better room. I was sitting in my new digs with my garbage bags all around me and I sat on the bed and I just started crying, you know, like the kind of crying where it’s like, I want my mommy crying.

Like I want my mom. Like I’m really scared. And one of the girls, one of the gals that I ended up living with, she poked, she kinda knocked on the door and she poked her head in and she said, how are you doing? And I said I’m okay. I will run. And she said, I promise you, it’s going to get better. And I remember that and I closed the door and I believed her, you know, like it was the first time in years where I felt safe and that I felt like I wasn’t going to use that day.

I felt like I wasn’t going to use that day. And that was the beginning. And then, you know, I had so much self deception to reconcile. I mean, cause you know, if I’m lying to you, I’m lying to me first. I, yeah, that part I could, I did not grasp. So that was the piece for me. The self-deception like, I, I also knew that nobody believed anything that I had to say and they shouldn’t have, because I’d been lying to them for years.

I had to just put my head down, go to meetings. payback. My, I had, you know, racked up debt because I had been out using I just ended up, I just decided this recovery is for me. It’s not for anybody else. And I think that’s the difference, you know, even though, like I said, I didn’t know my first recovery.

You know, I was a young mom. I was a young mom and I had to stay sober because I was a mom, you know, and this felt different. This just feels like it’s for me,

Lane: it was all for you. I mean, that’s exactly. It was all for you. Like it’s like your life depended on it, your life. Totally. Yeah. I totally, totally hear it.

That’s right. So over these last, let’s just, I mean, this is a long time, right? You’ve been in re trying to be sober, living recovery, doing all the things. Have you discovered anything that really, keeps you grounded, right? Especially in this last seven years, is there something that you go back to just.

To keep you away from the rage away from that kind of distorted thinking away from the deception. What does that for you?

Jana: Well, for me again, my, my addiction falls under the umbrella of don’t tell anybody that’s how my addiction holds itself. Don’t tell anybody. So I have a closed mouth friend in addition to my sponsor, but my closed mouth friend, her name is April who I ended up living with.

After I moved out of the halfway house, I lived with her for a year. She’s been sober 34 years, but we have a saying that we it’s a short hand and it’s called what we’ll say to each other. Is, do you have anything in your pockets? Because a long time ago, I heard we can’t stay sober with a lie in our pocket.

You can’t stay sober with a line in your pocket. And so the shorthand is anything in your pockets. And so we clean out our pockets on a pretty daily basis telling ourselves, and I don’t mean just like things that we do, but things that we think feelings that we have thoughts that we didn’t act on, you know, actions that we did or did not take.

I have, I can say this with all honesty. There is not one piece of me. That I have not exposed myself to her. And that for me is huge. It’s also helped me to understand that I’m not a liar. You know, I’m not a liar. And I was a with holder. I, you know, lying by omission is a huge part of my illness, you know, and I don’t do that anymore.

The other things I do and I learned this, I do this exercise called the two pen exercise. And you’ve probably heard it, but I’ll say it again. It’s, you know, you take two pens and a notebook and it actually came from a book called conversations with God, but I learned it not from that book. I learned it through April.

So I take my pen. And they can be different colors. They don’t have to be. And I ask any and all questions to God, higher power source to universe, you know, eternal love. W w what ever you want to call God for you? Sometimes I just say God, cause it’s easier. God, you know, can you please tell me, what should I do about this job?

God, how should I conduct myself at this audition? God, what about my financial situation? God, should I go out with this guy? God, what do I not? It matters not. And I put down the pen and I picked up the other pen and literally this has happened and it is 100% of the time foolproof for me. God answers. Yeah.

God answers. I become simply the holder of the pen and God ends up writing the message most of the time. I don’t know what’s going to come out of God’s mouth most and, and all of the time, God speaks to me in the sweetest, most loving, kindest way possible. The first time I ever heard God speak to me through this two pen exercise.

The very first words that came off of the pen were my darling Janna. I love you so much now. I had never been spoken to that way. I certainly didn’t speak to myself that way. But it was really, and I was about a year sober when this happened. It, it changed my relationship with God and that this loving the sweetest, kindest, and not always gentle, you know, God can be very specific.

Yes, God, isn’t always like, Oh, you know, Be flowery. God can sometimes be like walk away or kind, or rest, or, you know what I mean? God, isn’t always like, Hey my, you know, why didn’t you go pick flowers? God can be in my experiences. Once I hear what God has to say, I have a choice. I either do it or I don’t, but if I don’t do what God has suggested, what God’s information is.

I have to then live with the consequences of going against, you know, what I know to be my higher truth, the greater truth, the higher self, you know, so that’s, that’s another thing I do. I do a lot of prayer and meditation. I’m I’ve been meditating, the Vedic meditation for years and years and years.

It’s a twice a day, 20 minutes a day meditation. I don’t always get the second meditation in. I always get my first one in, I can honestly tell you that 10% of the time I get my second one in. 90% of the time. I don’t, but it’s like, it’s the practice of it, right? It’s it’s a practice. It’s not something, Oh my God, I have to do it because that kind of thinking that it’s so rigid.

Right. So I think there’s, there’s something about just having a practice. And labeling it as such. Yes. So that little mini voice can just go to rest. I love the two pen exercise. Yes. That is something that I’ve done. Morning pages lane. So I was religious about morning pages. Until I had my son. That’s what I thought.

Yeah. I had my son and the morning pages had come up and down and back and forth and all over the place. and when I got into my practice, right. I will get so much in my practice. Now that writing it’s almost, I don’t know how to say it. Like. It gets cloudy in the writing. I get more information through my practice then in the writing practice, which is really profound to me because I thought I’m going to be writing and this, I get everything through the pen and this is fantastic.

But now with the type of practice that I do, I get so much more out of that, but I, but I can go back to it. Yeah, right? Yeah. It’s there. Yes. It’s there. Oh, that’s really good to hear. Or I’m glad because you know, I’ve been morning pages, ING it up for about six months straight the last week I felt like I didn’t feel like doing it and it felt cloudy.

Exactly what, yeah. So that’s good to, so I can give myself permission to let that be okay. Okay. So the, I was just going to ask you, that was my next question. Is there anything that you need to give yourself permission for or to do. And you just answered it. Yes. Give yourself a break. Yes. Give myself a break, give myself a break.

You know, I ride myself hard and I’m a hustler and I’m a doer and yeah, so things like my morning meditate my morning pages. I haven’t felt like doing them this week and you know what? It’s right. It’s totally fine. Fine. Totally fine. Throughout your recovery. You’ve had the opportunity to meet lots and lots of people, and you’ve had opportunities to do wonderful things, experiences.

Are you going to write a book?

 No, no. I’ve thought about it many, many times. And then, and then what stops me is this idea of who would want to read it? Isn’t that like, that, that, I’m just being super honest, like, you know, and I know that they say you don’t write the book worrying about, who’s going to read that you write the book for you.

Yeah. So that’s my transparent fear about writing a book, but I could, I actually really would love to. I really would love to. I, what I really love doing is speaking in front of people. I think that I, I have a, that’s something that interests me more sometimes sitting with my own with my own words feels a little bit like like, Oh, you know what?

If I wrote a book, I’d have to write it with another person. If I wrote a book, I would absolutely need another writer with me to talk to about it. Yeah. That’s how I would write a book. Yeah. And th that would be fun. this has been such a powerful, amazing conversation. I’ve really enjoyed hanging out with you and hearing where you’re at, what you’re doing.

Lane: Is there anything else that you want to share with our mamas?

Jana: Yeah, just exactly what you said, you know? let’s all just be really kind to ourselves, to each other, you know? I think as moms we’re just so hard on ourselves. And I, I, for one will continue to let go of my shame as long as everybody else will commit to do the same.

Lane: Yes. I love that. Janet, where are people? How can people follow you? Where can they contact you?

Jana: , on my Instagram, it’s my name? Jana Lee Hamblin. It’s at Jana Lee Hamblin on Instagram. That’s the easiest way to get ahold of me. Beautiful and friends, you have to follow. She has these fantastic cow images every day.

Like I love them. So do you know why I do that? Can I just tell you, of course, that it started as like, I don’t even know what, how it got started?

But I let at least one person see a cow as something other than me to eat. Then I’ve done my job every day.

Lane: I love it. I love it so much. My thought Jana, thank you so much for hanging out with us. Thanks so much for asking me. I will see you again very soon. Yes you will. I adore you. I adore you. My friends, may you find something bright, something light and something so delicious that fills you up to be the best you can be until next time.

Take good care. Bye for now.

 How was that great episode, right? So while that you listened, thank you so much for hanging out with us. I just want to remind you one more time. I have five spots open for the next calm circle. I want you to be in it. It is the best time spent. You’re going to love it. And of those five. I’m doing a little drawing for my calm Sankalpa spray. It’s delicious.

Body spray that you use during meditation. So please head on over to recover like a forward slash reset for is five. One of you is getting a brand new bottle of Sankalpa. Okay. I’ll see you there.

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