Drinking and Trying Child Adoption

Drinking and Trying Child Adoption

Can you imagine drinking and trying to adopt a child? Getting sober for Shana was life-changing!

Listen in to Shana’s Episode

Drinking and Trying Child Adoption


Lane Kennedy: Welcome. You’re listening to recover like a mother, the podcast dedicated to mothers in recovery. I’m your host lane, Kennedy. This episode is being brought to you by you are not alone. A membership created and dedicated to supporting your recovery. Daily habits become lifetime practices. Change one thing.

Your life changes. You can learn more over at recoverlikeamother.com/membership. Right now you can lock in. For as low as $9 a month, grab the membership lock in the price before the price goes up. You’ll thank me later. Recover like a mother.com forward slash membership. Now let’s get into the show.

Hello, my beautiful friend. How are you today? It’s another day where I get to spend an hour or less than an hour in recovery. Talking about being a mother, recovering like a mother and what that means. And today I have the honor and privilege of speaking with Shana Vander, coy of the helpful hat, hopeful that project.

If you are, you know, interested in. Learning more about her. I want to just point you in the direction of her Instagram over at helpful hats, lots of good things are happening over there, but really why we’re having this conversation is to get into her story of recovery and what it really means to be a mother in recovery.

Shana. Welcome to the show.

Shana VanDerKoy: Thank you lane. It’s an honor to be here. I look up to you in so many ways. So thank you for that. Oh,

Lane Kennedy: you have no idea. This, this is such a, mothers are my heroes like sober moms, sober moms. I mean all moms, but sober moms are my heroes. And every night before I go to bed and the, the babies every night, because.

Without the sober moms, this world is not doing great.

Shana VanDerKoy: It’s a scary place. I agree. I cannot imagine being a mother, not sober. I said the other day to my wife, I was like, you know, we saved this. Baby’s. Probably five times a day. If I was like drinking the way that I was. I mean, there’s no, you know, he’s eating stuff.

He’s choking on things. He’s like, I would not have been present enough to keep the child alive. I don’t think as you know, as a, not sober mom. So thank God for that. Yes.

Lane Kennedy: So we’re going to jump in because I love to get right to the, to the meat of it, right? To the thick of it. Our listeners want to hear your story of motherhood and there was probably a pivotal point.

Have you like at the end, I don’t want to go to the end. Right. Because we all know the end. We want to get into motherhood. Like what keeps you sober today? Like what keeps you on the recovery path? You have two little ones.

Shana VanDerKoy: Two little ones five and one. So yes, and they are busy. And again, like I said, there’s no way that I could keep up with them and be the mother that I would want to be if I was not sober.

So I’m like keeps me sober as, as them and there we adopted both of them. And one came from. He was very drug-exposed and I don’t want to ever be that mother. You know, we saved him and God blessed his mother’s beautiful heart for recognizing that she needed to put him into a healthier situation, but I don’t want to be that mom. Drinking and Trying Child Adoption

I, we rescued him from that and I want to. Just keep them in a healthy situation and look at their faces every day and, realize that we can provide that for them. It keeps me, keeps me sober. It keeps me sane. It keeps me going because they’re everything to me. And we worked and looked for them so long and hard, and we have them and I don’t want to mess that up ever.

Lane Kennedy: That’s so incredible. So you adopted both of them adopted

Shana VanDerKoy: both babies?

Lane Kennedy: Yes. And your first one is fine.

Shana VanDerKoy: I first one is five Brixton.

Lane Kennedy: And so let’s, let’s, let’s talk about that for a minute, because adoption in sobriety is a whole thing, right? That’s it’s whole thing. And you’re about almost five years sober.

Right? So you’ve been on this path and I’m, I’m doing the math and I’m thinking, well, how I’m like, how is that possible that you got a baby when you were drinking? I need to know, like the BR the mindset around that. Let’s, let’s get into that before.

Shana VanDerKoy: So that was a huge part of my, my spiral and my story, because, so my story is kind of a, I partied a lot.

I was a party starter. I was an athlete in college. I opened the bars and I closed them, but I somehow got through, thank God for being a student athlete, because I don’t know what would have happened to me. I was clearly. Partying harder than most people, but I was a good time. So like, you know, it didn’t really seem that out of the normal, I went to school in New York city and I was there when September 11th happened and that had a profound impact on my life.

Not realizing at the time, but that again was just another kind of. The situation when I was in college, and come to find out that was great. This affected me and I had a little PTSD. So anyway, I packed that away and moved on and went on to coach. And then I moved out to California in search of the ocean and I had nothing and I, that was fine with me.

I was like, I was gonna, you know, I sold my car and I was going to come out here and I was gonna live the lifestyle. I didn’t care if I just had. 10 on the beach. I was going to just do that. And I did that and it was amazing. And I ended up kind of falling into this crazy crowd in Newport beach. They ran, you know, action, action.

Sports is very prevalent there. You know, Hurley, Volcom, all that stuff. I met an owner of an action sports industry brand in a bar, with Dennis Rodman, ironically, and that kind of kicked off my California. Living style. And I partied so hard again, we were having fun and it wasn’t really affecting my life. Drinking and Trying Child Adoption

I, I ended up taking a job at this brand and through that, I was exposed to all kinds of things that were fun at the time I was 25 and I was not the rock star, but I got to party like one and everything was extremely accessible and we were traveling and we were doing all these things. And anyway, That kind of began a different type of spiral because work and drinking one hand in hand and the kind of reality, it really took off there.

So coming into, I met my wife during that time and, and we wanted, we wanted a family. I was ready to, you know, wait a minute, wait a minute. How old were you when you met your wife? I was, gosh, it was probably 20, 27. She’s younger. I love,

Lane Kennedy: I love when people just know what they want. They’re like, I want a family and I’m doing it.

And I am only 25 years old. Right.

Shana VanDerKoy: That was her me. I was like, I mean, I was doing my thing. I was out there. I was like all around and I knew that was not me. I was, I was older. I, well, I guess she was, yeah, I don’t know. I’m not doing the math correctly, but I guess. I was all over the place. I was probably 27.

She was younger. Anyway, so that started our relationship. So we met kind of in that party zone. She was a normie though. She, she partied like a regular person. Yeah. So we met there. We kind of, we had some time, cause again, I was going to live in this crazy lifestyle. She was my one though. I knew I would, we would come back and we partied together and we had fun.

But again, she was normal, you know? I drank a bottle of Jameson before we’d go to the restaurant and I order shots at the bar and she would have a glass of wine and want to go home and I would want to go on to the next bar and, you know, let’s keep this fire lit. So anyway, we decided, we knew we wanted to have babies.

We didn’t know how, or when that was going to happen, which we started with me for first because I was older and I wanted to carry so badly and we knew we were going to adopt also, but we didn’t know at what point that was going to happen. So we started with me and. I just assumed that it would be extremely easy for me.

I knew I always wanted to be a mom. I knew that was my path in life. I always said, like, I feel like that was my purpose. I wasn’t put on this earth to do anything else and be a mother. So for me, getting pregnant and caring was just going to be part of my. PZ story and it did not happen. And we tried, I want to say eight times with me and every time that it didn’t take, I just went further down this crazy spiral.

Also, we tried IUI a few times. And so during this time I drinking, it’s pretty escalated.

Lane Kennedy: Wait a minute. Okay. So you’re going through. To get the baby, right? What you’re drinking, I’m

Shana VanDerKoy: drinking and I’m on and I’m on an antidepressant, right. So you’re just in

Lane Kennedy: it deep. Oh, I love this. Okay. Keep that.

Shana VanDerKoy: So I’m drinking.

I just can’t figure out why, you know, taking and in my mind too, I thought when it was going to be easy, but two, I will, my, I should, will a baby into this world. So like, I stopped drinking. I can do all this stuff. I can, I can do this, you know, like, right. Cause that’s what we tell ourselves. It’s my fault.

It’s me. If I stopped drinking and I do the right things, this baby’s going to come for sure. And so, yup. And every time it didn’t take, I drank more and was more devastated and we, and it started, started to kind of. So the point that I’m like, okay, this isn’t maybe going to happen for me. Well, we have further, there’s two of us like someone’s going to be able to carry a child.

And, and again, we knew that adoption was going to be a part of our story, but we were going to try this way first. So every time it didn’t take, I just, it just accelerated like so crazy. And before I knew it, I was. By the, by the end, I was like completely physically dependent. I mean, I was, you know, I was doing the shaking. Drinking and Trying Child Adoption

I was, I was taking pills from wherever I was stealing co-workers Adderall. I was, I was just doing anything to kind of fill that void. And at that point I was, I mean, I knew I had a problem. And so when we tried with her, didn’t take either. We decided, okay, let’s start our adoption journey. So in my mind, I was always like, okay, you know, it was always like, I’m going to stop when, so of course this is like the telltale.

So it was like, when we were trying to get pregnant, I was like, I’m going to stop when I, I start trying to get pregnant. Happened. Okay. Then I’m going to stop when I get pregnant. Okay. That didn’t happen. I’m going to stop when we’re matched with a birth mother and this adoption period. Okay. We got matched, but now we’re in this crazy stressful situation of adoption.

So it just kept getting worse and kept getting worse. And then. I’m going to stop drinking when we get this baby, because once we get this baby, everything will be fine. I can get my life together. We’re going to be okay. And we got the baby. And by the time we got this beautiful, sweet baby boy that we had prayed and look for, I was so sick and I was so, so sick and so dependent.

And so, yeah, it’s so hard to talk about because you know, we had got everything we wanted and. A mess. And so yeah, we had him

Lane Kennedy: probably. Okay. So let’s, let’s pause. Whoa. Let’s let’s like, let’s just go to that moment because I know you had a moment, right. You’re talking about dependency on

Shana VanDerKoy: drugs, primarily alcohol to get on it.

Lane Kennedy: Okay. Because I, you know, when we’re at that state, I know for me, like the problem. Like I was in denial. Yeah. Right. Like I was like, I don’t have a problem. Really. Everybody around me is like, man, you have a problem. And I’m just like being in that moment as a mother, having this new baby thinking, I can’t even put my head around where you were at.

That must have been, give us one word. What was that?

Shana VanDerKoy: It was surreal because it just, this was my dream. This was everything I ever wanted. And this beautiful birth mother chose us to entrusted this baby’s life with us. And what am I doing? You know, like she chose us because she thinks that we’re those people and just complete disappointment in myself and feeling.

Shameful because that’s not who I wanted to be. That’s not the mother I wanted to be. That’s not the home I wanted to provide this baby with. That’s not how I wanted her to look at me. And last I was completely and utterly lost. We knew I had a problem, but I really had no idea how bad it was. Do I go to a meeting?

Do I go to church? Do I need treatment? Like, what do we do? How bad is this? And how do I make it? Right. You know, because this is not the mom. I want to be. So it kind of came to a head. We went to a family vacation in Hawaii. Oh God. I know. Yeah. You know where this is going. So Brittany’s family, my wife’s family who is amazing.

They’re such great, beautiful people. And I went into that vacation, not drinking. Right. I was, I had tried multiple times to stop as we dish my

Lane Kennedy: coffee when she said that.

Shana VanDerKoy: You know exactly. So yeah, we did that and I was going in there not drinking and it was going to be a healthy vacation and we were going to do that. And, you know, they offered you a Mai tie on the . So I have this five month old baby Brixton’s five months at the time. And I had tried to stop and tried to stop and tried to stop and just wasn’t happening.

But I kept trying, and I kept looking for, for avenues. I went to an AA meeting. I went to a therapist. I went, you know, I was searching and, but you’re, I was, I was going to be sober and Hawaii. So you get there. It all went crazy because I was like, I’m in Hawaii, I’m on vacation. I deserved like, I’m a mom, like there’s family here to watch my kid.

I’m totally responsible. Let’s go. You know? So I proceeded to the one night, you know, there was alcohol there. I wasn’t like it. Wasn’t the type of thing that it is now where there, you know, do, are you okay with alcohol in the house? Are you not? I didn’t know. And I didn’t want anyone to adjust their life over me.

I wasn’t to that point yet. I was like, before. There needs to be alcohol you’re on vacation. And anyway, we were supposed to go scuba diving the next morning and I proceeded to stay up and drink like 24 beers. You know, we’re in this Airbnb, this beautiful place right on the beach, everyone’s in bed. And I’m like, you guys are so boring.

Like, what are we doing? We’re on vacation, like what’s happening. So I just got wasted and. And they woke up and of course, you know, it was kinda like, oh my gosh, like, what did you do? Why did you w what were you doing? Are you ready to go? I’m like, am I ready to go? I’m not going anywhere. Like we’re in Hawaii.

Why do we need to do all these activities? I want to like, lay on the beach and hang out and just be hung over and start drinking again. Like now I would die to go scuba diving and spend that time. But at the time I was just, again, feel. You feel isolated? I felt like so misunderstood. Nobody got me, they didn’t know my lifestyle.

They didn’t know how I relaxed and, and it could have been more further from the truth. So they went on their way and went scuba diving. And I walked to the village and got wasted with the locals and proceeded to get a ride home, which now I’m like, oh my gosh. From a local. A random man that was buying me shots the whole time he pulled up and dropped me off at the Airbnb to my wife’s family.

Surprise, like. And my five months old babies in there and they’re just, you know, to me, I was like, what’s up? Like, everyone’s, you know, he’s fine. Everyone’s taking care of him. We’re having fun. And I just didn’t see it. I didn’t see it and I didn’t get it. And I felt it was awful. It was an awful trip by ruin that trip.

It was a beautiful trip, but I ruined that trip. And that was my turning point. When we got, when we got home, my wife and I looked into. W we did it together. I wanted to help. I knew I was sick. I didn’t want to be this person. So I was desperate for the help. I just didn’t know where to get it or how to get it.

And, you know, we looked at places that took my insurance and ironically, I she’s a nurse, a charge nurse at a hospital in Newport beach and they had a great inpatient program. And I checked into the hospital where my waist worked. So, and it was terrifying because I’d never been away from my baby for more than an hour.

I. Jobs, I’m going to lose my job, you know, at that time, all those things are so important to you. And really now when I’m coaching people, I’m like, you’re not going to have any of that to worry about. If you don’t go get help, you’re not going to have a family. You’re not going to have a baby. You’re not going to have any of these things.

And, and thank God I did, you know, and, and we did it together. She did it with me. Stood by me. She may not have if I had not wanted treatment, but I wanted it so badly and it was terrifying, but we did it together. And I, I was in there, you know, I was inpatient detox for three days. I did intensive inpatient for 30 and then outpatient for another 30.

And it just completely changed my life and made me the mom that I wanted to be.

Lane Kennedy: I just, you know, Those moments. It’s like, oh, this is, Hey, it’s not going well. Right. Like, I’m just thinking about you to getting that dropped off with the stranger. Like how many times did I do that? How I, how many times did I drive drunk?

Oh, I know. Not.

Shana VanDerKoy: I already had a DUI and I was still driving as we were trying to, I never drove my kids in the car, but our adoption wasn’t finalized. And I was driving back and forth from work where I was also drinking. I mean, if I already gotten picked up, I would have gone to jail and we may not have finalized that adoption.

I mean, what was I doing when I was sick, but


Lane Kennedy: Yeah, well that, that’s it right there. Right. This is like a mental illness. It like sits between the ears and it tells us that we’re okay. And you know, now, like you are living sober, so, right, right, right. Thank God. In sobriety, you know, there are these moments I find quite often when we are back at that wall of like, what is my life.

What am I doing? But I want to get a little bit current with you. Sure. You know, over these past four and a half, almost five years, what, what is like, what are those moments? What are those moments for you where you’re like, am I doing the right thing here? You know, like, Are you able to, how are you able to sustain yourself?

That’s what I want to know. That’s what our listeners want to know, because this is not, this is not a cakewalk every day, especially with little ones. They’re not sleeping at night. What are you doing?

Shana VanDerKoy: I agree. I, you know, I really, I mean, it’s cliche, but living in gratitude, I wake up every single morning, just so grateful.

I don’t have to feel like that. So grateful that I have these babies, I just being connected to the program, which has been so hard in this pandemic. The service work for me has been so huge and sharing my story. I just recently, after almost five years of sobriety, just in this past six months really started sharing my story and that.

Change my whole recovery. And I’m so grateful. I’m not plugged clubhouse, but I mean, clubhouse brought me into that space and allowed me to kind of start sharing and start feeling comfortable and exposed me to all kinds of. Comfortable situations. You know, I, I, I fooled myself into thinking that my story wouldn’t help anybody.

And through that hat project that I started also, I started that because I was finding it hard to, I didn’t have time to sponsor people, but I still wanted to help. And that allowed me to put myself out there as a helper and. People gravitated towards that. And I naturally inorganically got to tell my story to connect with the mom friends that I had at school and, and the people at church and the people at the gym.

And that has kept me so sane and so grateful, so service for sure. And gratitude. And, you know, we’ve been through. Some stressful times, you know, with our second son’s adoption, it was like not an easy ride. And I mean, that is a time that you could, I’ve said to my wife a couple of times, like, wow, this is, you know, when you recognize, like, this is a time, I would surely have dove deep into that bottle because I just didn’t want to deal with all the static inside.

And I’m so grateful. I got to. Experience it sober because I got to be there for her too. And, you know, I mean, just all these beautiful things that happen, the ability to be there for people. There’s just so many good things that I think about when I get backed up against that wall that I know I wouldn’t be experiencing drinking, and I know that I would be so preoccupied.

And so I also simply think. The times when I’m just holding my boys. And like, in my mind, I was fully present before with them, even when I was drinking. But like, I was still thinking about how I was going to feel better. Was I going to be sick? Was I going to be, what did I need to do? How was I going to get to the.

The Cornerstore when they’re sleeping, how do I do, I’ve got a stack up enough for tomorrow so that I don’t feel this way, you know? Oh gosh, do I need to take my son in the stroller to the sketchy part of, you know, it’s just like all this stuff, you know, like, and I don’t have to worry about that anymore.


Lane Kennedy: you said a couple of things that I want to kind of backup on because there’s this idea of like, we fool ourselves, right? Like being able to handle it. Yes. Right. And I can handle it. I can handle it. I can handle it. And then I snap. Right. So there’s a, you know, you, you talked about being static and stuff.

Yes. Right. So you have a gratitude practice. You, you have your helpful hats project. What else are you doing to stop yourself from having those static moments and letting that shame spiral, right? Like we, right. That’s what it is. It’s like the constant shame spiral. I’m not doing enough. I got to do this for my kids.

I got my wife. Right. Like, so what, what are some practices. The things that you are doing daily, that other mamas can use. Right. Sure.

Shana VanDerKoy: I, I, I’m just being real. I mean, real with my kids, real with my wife, real with myself, like, what am I feeling today? Why am I feeling this way? I I’ve learned to ask her for what I need, instead of assuming she knows.

Gosh, I’m a stay home mom and I run this project on the side. My primary job is to be a mommy and she works very hard. She’s on the front lines of this pandemic as a nurse practitioner. So, you know, I try to keep her saying it, you know, I get the balance of keeping yourself sane and keeping your partner who’s doing extremely hard and stressful work saying and raising these babies.

Yeah. It gets staticky for sure. But just keeping it real and real with my kids too. Like, you know what, buddy? I’m sorry. I just like raised my voice. I is a little. I’m a little bit tired and that’s okay. Not putting that on them, but just being real with them and like, let’s go for a walk. We can both use a walk.

And gosh, my main coping tool is, is exercise, which has been kind of taken away, but trying to figure out how to do that. Like maybe like. I don’t know me and the boys, we have a dance party or we just go for a really long walk or we hike up a mountain. I find moving my body, whether it’s yoga or meditation or moving my brain, just taking that time for me.

But most of the time they are included, but still. Absorbing that time for me and keeping that separate from our energy together as a unit is important. And I find that very helpful. So moving, moving, keeping it real and setting that time aside in the morning. Also, I know you’re big on the meditation and I need to be so much better at that, but I have this little, that little silly app calm and that like, Mom helps me so much because I could just have 10 minutes while they’re napping or whatever, 20 minutes.

And I plugged that in and I listened to I’m at a guided meditation or just some music and that like, declutters me, de-stigmatize me. It, I can be a better mom after that. And that helps apply

Lane Kennedy: so beautiful. I love just the idea of being real. That’s one of the things that I I do with my son is I’m just, I just say, you know what?

That was. I just raised my voice and it wasn’t. Okay. It took me Shannon, just to hear you early in your recovery, talk about that with your kids is amazing. Cause it took me, I mean, he’s 11 now. I didn’t start doing that until he was like eight, nine years old. Right. Like I had to be perfect. And then if I wasn’t being perfect, I couldn’t talk about.

Shana VanDerKoy: Totally. Yep.

Lane Kennedy: So just that idea of giving myself permission, you’ve given yourself permission to just say. I messed

Shana VanDerKoy: up. Mommy messed up.

Lane Kennedy: Yeah. I messed up. I just, oh, that’s so powerful.

Shana VanDerKoy: So I think being authentic, you know, being in recovery, it teaches you to be authentic and just keep it real. And he’s seen me do that.

He’s seen both of us do that and telling our stories and we’re real. We’re like that also with adoption, like we talk about it freely. We speak about his first mother. He, you know, he knows that he’s our baby, but he. He was grown in another mommy’s tummy and that’s cool to him. You know, we never want that.

We never wanted that day to come where like he learned he was adopted. He knows where he learned. He knows where he came from and he knows how he’s loved. And so it’s been a ride with that too, because we’ve always kept it very real with, with, with them for that reason too,

Lane Kennedy: because D I’m going to just one of the magical things of motherhood that I’ve done and I’ve shared with other mothers, writing them, love letters.

Shana VanDerKoy: Have you started. I have not.

Lane Kennedy: Okay. I want to invite you to get a box. Okay. And I did this with my son early on and we created a box and we decorated it. We got the colors and the dig, a pipe and you know, the whole thing. And in the box we put their art or his art, you know, we, I put my son’s art, but then I also write little love letters, or little love notes.

At first, I would just put the love note next to him, like when he would wake up and it would just be a picture of me and him, like stick, honestly, stick figures, holding hands. Right. But over the years, you know, I’ve written long, extended love letters about our adventure. And he’s I P there’s probably, well, I’ve 20 of them in there now.

I’ve just these really intense love letters, and they’re hidden, it’s hidden away, but I keep adding to it. So Wednesday, you know, he’ll be able to have this box of really juicy letters and I read one. That I wrote like, you know, seven years ago just to, and I was like, what the heck was that? You know, but it’s a really fun experience because I get to see his little thing, you know, his little, yeah.

So just a fun exercise that we can do in recovery for our kids. And it’s kind of a secret, it’s kind of a, like a little gift that I’m giving to myself and to him. And then he gets to participate when he wants to.

Shana VanDerKoy: As he participated yet

Lane Kennedy: he has his, his or not, you know, his is not very detailed, which is fine.

He does a lot of drawings he’s really into drawing. So I’ll just slip those in. Yeah. But it was a really fun project that we have worked on over the past, you know, 10, 11 years, so beautiful. It could be really fun. Yeah. Okay. Do you, do you have a writing

Shana VanDerKoy: practice? I do not. Well, I mean, as far as you know, I make my, my gratuity, I do my lists.

I try to do that every morning, but I should, I should, I should have a better writing practice.

Lane Kennedy: Let’s like, let’s like, no, no mom should be shooting herself. It is what it is.

Shana VanDerKoy: Well, let’s say, I think, I think about it every day and I say, I guess I write it in my mind, but no, I do not currently have. Okay.

Lane Kennedy: That’s you know, it’s okay. Right. It’s just something that perhaps, maybe you’ll do tomorrow. One of the things that, you know, I share with my moms is really creating that writing practice because you get to see your personal growth.

Shana VanDerKoy: You

Lane Kennedy: really get the. Yeah. And I’ve had people that are not sober. Normally, normally people look at my, like I have volumes and my kid makes fun of me about this volumes of books about my life, but it’s so rich with experience that I can go back to, you know, nine 11.

And I can read about nine 11 and what I was doing, and I can see like some of the things that I was doing then I could still be doing now, but a little bit different. Right. Yeah. So it’s been interesting to just to see the growth. Or to see that it like where I haven’t grown.

Shana VanDerKoy: No, totally. I, I think that’s beautiful.

I, I think that’s great because, and just reaffirming your values too. I find that when I do write and I do look back, I’m such a weirdo with anything creative to that. I’ll write it and then I’ll throw it away. It’s it’s a problem. It’s, it’s ongoing. Whether it’s art or music or writing. I have. So it’s something absolutely to work into my plan because I think it would help me out a lot and just let the not perfect things stay and to be able to look back and see, like you said, Where you’ve gone, what stays the same, what you’d like to change.

So now I see a great benefit in that. So you’ve inspired me. Yeah. Thanks. What else you got? Great.

Lane Kennedy: So we’re coming up on our, our closing time, but I want to make sure let’s give our ladies, the moms, the powerhouses of the world. Let’s let’s share one crazy thing you do in

Shana VanDerKoy: sobriety. One crazy thing. Crazy.

Lane Kennedy: Like really like just.

Shana VanDerKoy: As far as like, activity,

Lane Kennedy: like get out, go out, go outside. Yeah.

Shana VanDerKoy: Go outside my lines.

Lane Kennedy: What do you do? Like what’s super fun in your life.

Shana VanDerKoy: Super in my life. It’s funny. Cause the things that are super fun now, or like very calm and like relaxing, like super fun, you know, I used to be doing really crazy things.

Super fun and crazy is like climbing a mountain with my stuff. I mean, honestly, that is it. And that brings me great peace and extreme joy. And I have done a lot of crazy things in my life and I don’t need to do those anymore. So for me, it’s really just being still and being calm and being present. And I love that.

I don’t know if that’s the answer you’re looking for, but that is I, we love hiking and I, I just find that, that time, that time in nature, you know, I’m going to the, going to the ocean and nature always brought me home and nature always made me feel like there’s a higher power, something bigger. I felt so small and I love that, but comforted.

And when I can share that with my, with my kids and hold them and look at them and know that they’re just these beautiful little independent souls. It just makes me feel great. And I do that often now. And it’s something that I don’t know if I would have taken that much time to appreciate, I would have appreciated it, but not in the way that I do now.


Lane Kennedy: so good. And how do you keep your relationships?

Shana VanDerKoy: Spicy. Well, you know, again, keeping it real. I’m telling them what you want. It’s something

Lane Kennedy: right. When we get sober, right. Our relationships change. Totally. Yeah. For me, my husband never saw me drink, so he had no idea and he’s only known me sober. So I’ve had to kind of like reinvent.

The relationship, so to speak here. Otherwise I’m like, dude, I’m tired of you.

Shana VanDerKoy: Yeah, totally. Yeah. I think for us, we had so many crazy times that like, it just feels so good to have stability and she’s happy to see me not be that person or have to play that role or identify as the party starter and the backstage girl and the gear getter, you know, like I think she’s so happy to just see me comfortable in my own skin.

So we’re just. Comfortable in that role, we’d love to like go to baseball games and like, just do all, all these things that would have taken a totally. You know, direction, had we not been this way? She, she also has not drank with, you know, since I’ve been sober. So, wow. Yeah. I mean, she never really had a problem, but I mean, she made that decision for us and for her and that that’s, that’s been a powerful thing for me because I didn’t ask her to do that.

I didn’t expect her to do that. And she did that and I’m so grateful. So I’m very blessed with a supportive partner. Yeah.

Lane Kennedy: So amazing. Shannon. I love your story. I’m so grateful to know you and. Same to share this journey. This is a journey of women of mothers staying sober, whatever that pathway

Shana VanDerKoy: is, it’s just

Lane Kennedy: beautiful.

Like not drinking. It’s just an incredible way of living. Thank you for being a mother in recovery. Where are people going to follow your life?

Shana VanDerKoy: Yeah, so you can follow my life on Instagram. We’ve got a good Instagram happening and helpful hats project there. And I mean, that’s primarily it right now.

Everything’s kind of funneled through that. I also have a personal Instagram, which you’re more than, more than welcome to follow it. It’s public and find more about the boys there. It’s kind of a, it’s one of those weird things. Do we expose them or do we not just project kind of thing. So, but yeah, we love to tell their story too, without exposing them too much, but we think it’s important to connect with adoptive parents as well.

Same-sex parents, any parents, we tell our story on a couple of different levels, as far as recovery and sober being sober moms and LGBTQ plus moms and adoption. So we love to help people. And if anybody has any questions about it We are wide open. So

Lane Kennedy: right there, that is the power right there. LGBTQ.

Hey, I support you guys. 100%. I think there’s, I think there’s a, something hidden in there for you. Shana. I’m just make there’s something there. There’s something there there’s something there. I’m just. Dig deeper. Thank you for being on the show. Check her out over on helpful hats over on Instagram. Mama.

Thank you for listening to another episode of recover like a mother, may you find something light, something bright and something so delicious that fills you up so you can be the best you can be. Thanks for hanging out until next time. Take good care. And that’s a wrap. Thanks again for listening. Make sure you check out the member’s area.

I have so much information. Getting dumped in there weekly and weekly meditations. I also want to just say thank you for supporting the show really. So other mothers can find it. That’s what the membership is all about. It just makes it a lot easier for me to get the show out there for other mothers in recovery.

So thank you again for supporting the show

Shana VanDerKoy: and as always for being

Lane Kennedy: a mother in recovery.

Listen in to Shana’s Episode

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