We all go through challenging times in our partnerships, right? Some of them pass quickly, while other times, it feels like you’re moving through thickening quicksand; it’s a daily nightmare. Although you want to escape, you’ve taken vows, and you don’t want to become a statistic. This is my story.
My marriage, on the outside, looked great. We traveled to beautiful destinations, ate well, gave birth to a beautiful boy, and have done amazing things. At some point, my son, Adrian, who is now 10, became the center of our lives. This could be seen as both good and bad. How Yoga Nidra Saved My Marriage
Let’s back up for a minute while I share some history. I was not a child who had baby dolls and pushed them around, no. I had trucks and played in the mud. I wasn’t a big Barbie fan either, nope, I had GI Joe and Ken dolls. How Yoga Nidra Saved My Marriage I don’t know why but identifying motherhood and becoming a mother was, and has been one of life’s mysteries. I didn’t have a mom who cuddled me or swooped in when I had significant life events; no, I was the one figuring it out on my own. Perhaps this is why when I had Adrian, I decided that I would become the best mom. This was the beginning of small bricks being placed between my husband and me. Brick by brick, day after day, little arguments, disagreements, and business trips created a gap that I didn’t think was bridgeable.
It’s hard being a wife when you’re an entrepreneur and have a demanding child. We live in a time when everyone is hyper-connected, and we are being asked for more than we can give. But this is the reality. I’ve lived it.
The gap between my husband and I found us in therapy. Our therapy sessions were awful, and downright heartbreaking. We would leave feeling worse than when we walked in; they say that marriage is not for the weak at heart, I think they are right. I began to feel weakness. I WANTED OUT. I wanted out of my body, out of the position I had placed myself in. I wanted to run. The arguments were thick with anger and rage. I didn’t know rage existed in my soul, but there she was, awakened after lifetimes of being asleep. Every day for weeks, I raged within, I raged secretly at him and at my very own soul. Day in and day out, I prayed. I cried, I asked for help. Nothing happened.
The body is like a tuning fork, vibrating to the emotions within and around us. My tuning fork was breaking. I turned back to prayer. Expecting that it would pull me through this dark time, I prayed every moment I had. Praying wasn’t working.
I knew I needed change, but where was it going to come from?
I love rituals and habits, they’ve become my life preservers. I had gotten into the habit of escaping the bed early in the morning so that I wouldn’t have to pretend to be happy with my husband. I needed my own space. If I could have slept alone, I would have, but I was told not to leave the bed no matter how challenging my emotions were to stomach. Every morning I would creep out early, seeking relief through solitude and writing endless words, none of them making sense, but then the words stopped coming. It was devastating. Sorrow fell upon me, and I was lost. It was here, during these quiet hours, my soul whispered as she always does, “More Meditation.”
This was not what I was seeking or expecting. I’ve been meditating for 20 years. This was not a new habit to build. But for some reason that morning, I turned to Youtube and found a Quantum Healing Meditation. This meditation placed me in a deeply altered and alert state, and guess what? The rage melted, just a little.
Being a long-time student of Ernest Holmes and a neuroscience geek, I knew that I was back on track with meditation. And I knew that this was only a stepping stone to quieting and dismantling my rage. I started on a new path. The next morning I happily crept out of bed. Yes, I was actually looking forward to meditating. It had been years since I was excited about meditating. I was never thrilled about meditation, I liked it, but it was a habit that I built to safeguard my recovery from alcoholism, that’s it. Period.
On this particular morning at the top of my YouTube feed sat a suggested video, the title intrigued me, Cosmic Meditation, so I tried it. I felt open. The rage was less. As I began the meditation, a soft, warm, pleasant voice invited me to lie down and get comfortable. She inquired about my mental state, asking me to tune into and feel my subtle bodies. She spoke my language, a language that not many spoke. I fell deeply into a meditative state and drifted into peace. It was profound. A feeling I had forgotten. After an hour, I came too with my kiddo standing above me, asking me if I was going to make his breakfast. I was calm. Something deep within was taking care of me.
I smiled at my son and popped up, collecting myself. The ache of rage had dissolved, and my daily body pain was no longer on high alert. My husband came down the stairs, and I willingly said, good morning with a smile. My heart was front and center. There had been a shift.
Over the past two years, the dive into Yoga Nidra Meditation has taken me on a mystical, soul searching journey. Not only has it saved my marriage, but it has offered me a path back to my true self, where I’m now able to share this gift with others.
Nothing else has changed in my marriage except this one single act: Creating a daily Yoga Nidra.
Want to experience what I’m talking about firsthand? Lets do it.
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Put yourself first, you deserve it. Prioritize time for your daily practice.
Don’t do it alone. I’m here. Connect with me on Instagram.com/lanekennedylevy