Committed: Feeling dedication and loyalty to a cause, activity, or job; wholeheartedly dedicated.
After months of being on the brink of depression and taking a long walk to somewhere called, make-believe, to never come home again; I finally learned something about myself. I spent the afternoon with my dog and remembered what it was like before I had my lovely, little son… it was quiet for the most part until the weekends when I worked and hustled. During the week, my husband and I would go to fancy restaurants, shows, and stay up late, sleep in to our hearts content and plan month long vacations to exotic places. My life was, self indulgent, to say the least. I had little care about what was happening around me, or what I had to do next, as it really just happened for me. Work appeared, friends showed up, travel happened! No stress. Life was good. Or was it?
Being a mom has stretched me to new places I didn’t realize existed. While I was pregnant I had great stories in my head about how it was going to be when my son would arrive. I really thought that he and I would go to work, that I could shoot with him on my back, I could edit with him in the play and pack and that I would be able to take long luxurious walks with him and my dog on the beach… (I have not once been to the beach with him and the dog). I believed with all my might that I could handle it, I mean for god sake, I have been able to handle my life up to this point and it hadn’t always been a bed of roses. I could certainly muster the capacity and panache to be a MOM. I mean, to be a mom is just another person taking care of kid, how difficult could it be? I had really painted the picture of serenity and ease with this child approaching. I made a decision to put my “career” on hold, and to take on the challenge of being a FULL TIME MOM! I, of course (can and) could do it!
After months of learning how to be a mom, how to fit into my new skin, and how to care for another human being without conditions I am finally feeling committed. I know that may sound crazy, as he has now been with us for almost 19 months… I am sure that most moms are committed from that get go; they decide and then are in it and love it… now don’t get me wrong I am not saying that I don’t love being a mom… I do.
For the past week, I have been waking up, rolling over and praying. I am not one to believe in some religious entity, I am not a piously made being. I might consider saying that I am more of the spiritual breed, so I pray, I meditate. I listen to my innermost self and to my dog. I ask for help. I am finding that I cannot be a mom all by myself. I cannot handle the pressure that I have placed on myself, (almost unknowingly) about being a mom, and raising a child in today’s world. I am stressed about everything when it comes to the little guy… am I doing it perfect, is he eating enough, should he be sleeping more, what about his ABCs should he be reciting them by now? The list is forever long, oh and what about teaching him manners and morals… My husband considers none of this, of course not, he is a dad. DAD’s don’t think or feel like MOMS! Back to praying… So I have been praying to this spiritual thing, and asking that I can be 100% committed to being a MOM today, NOT 90% or 120%, just 100% today. What that has meant for me for the last week, is being available. I am Available for my son when he can’t sleep, available when he jumps up and down in such excitement, available for his bath… just simply available.
The week has come to a close and I feel like after 18.5 months that this week, there has been a shift in me, my parenting, and my ability to be a mother. This week, I committed and I have had total success. I am even going to count the tantrum I had this morning with kicking the box of toys… and as I did, my son laughed at me, and said, UH-OH… that snapped me into reality and laughed with him. Such a difference in life with the BIG C, thank goodness.
Until next time.